An Open Letter to Myself

An open letter to myself on those “tough days”:

Dear Brenda,

I am going to write you something and I’m going to write it to you, but I’m going to write to you as if you were someone I am trying to help. I want you to know it’s going to be okay. It will. It might not feel like it right now, but it will. I want you to know that I know it’s hard. It hurts. Everything seems too bright and overwhelming. Everyone wants too much from you. Everyone expects you to do more than you think you can, but you CAN do it! You HAVE done it, day after day. Even on those days when you wanted nothing but to sit in the bathroom and cry your eyes out. Even on those days when getting out of bed seemed close to impossible. Do you remember that last year? You didn’t even know you were struggling with depression yet you managed to get out of bed and come to work every day. And if that’s not something to be proud of, then I don’t know what is.

Do you remember how heavy your legs felt? Do you remember the dread of  hearing that alarm in the morning, dragging you from the only peace you knew? Dragging you from the escape you had from the despair?

But you fought it. You are a warrior.

You are strong and brave.

You can do it.

It doesn’t feel like it right now, I know baby girl. I know. I know that things suck. I know that Youssef hates you right now and you keep fighting yourself to go back to him, but yet you stay away so you can’t hurt him anymore. It’s better that way. If you’re far away from him, you can’t harm him. Not anymore. He can be happy far far away from you, like every other boy you’ve ever destroyed or who has destroyed you.

I know you are stressed about money. I know that there isn’t enough and you’re so goddamned tired of working two jobs day and night. I know you long to come home after a long day at work and just go for a walk and relax, but no- the cashier struggle is there. I know that you have all sorts of debts piling up. I know that you want to throw up at the thought of them, but I want you to know how proud I am of you for almost finishing paying off your car. Month after month your payment was there. And yes, sometimes you couldn’t afford to go out with your friends or to buy yourself something new, but as of now you have a roof on your head and your parents are alive and well and so are your siblings and you have these great friends and a great job with awesome coworkers. You are so lucky. Please don’t forget it.

I know your thoughts are dark and stormy. I know you question your life every single time you open your eyes in the morning. I know you ask yourself if it is worth it.

I know your car is not working right and it could cost a lot of money to fix it.

I know that you would give anything to be able to have someone love you like you love them.

I know that therapy appointments are piling up and you keep finding things wrong with you and it’s so sad. But you are you and people love you so it might not be as bad as you think you are.

I know that you are stressed about work and all the people who are mean to you at the register. I know that the lady from the other day was so rude, but all you could do was smile and thank her for shopping at your store, because that is your job.

I know all you wanted was to tell her the truth of all of it, and mostly just make her realize how bad her attitude was.

I know all of that, baby girl. I know.

Life is so tough. Life is so hard. But you are tougher.

I want you to believe that, no matter how hard things are right now.

I know you’re worried. I know your 20s are happening and you still haven’t found a career path you want. I know that right now all you care about is making enough money to make it to the next damn month. But that is no way to live. I know you’re worried about your parents. They’re getting older and less able to work. I know you want to go to college, but are afraid that your mental illness will interfere. I know you’re scared you won’t be able to afford it.

I know you’re worried about your sister and being a single mom. I know you worry about your niece and how she is going to be able to make it through high school and all its pressures. I know you worry about your nieces and nephews and their lives.

I know you worry about Erika and her life. I know that you want her to do the best and you want her to do it with or without you. I know you love her far more than you love yourself and how you think that will never be enough. I know you want her to keep going to church, even on the days you just can’t because moving seems impossible and talking to other people makes you want to run and hide. That’s your depression talking, honey, so don’t be so hard on yourself.

I know you worry about her mom and how she’ll handle Juan moving out. I know you love her very much and you always want the best for all them, and how you wish Juan would realize how much this will affect the only mother he will truly know.

I know you worry about Grammy and her dad and his girlfriend. I know you worry about her when she worries about you. You pretend you are fine, but she knows you are not. You know that she prays for you, and you wish to God you could have the motivation to pray for her, too. But sometimes even moving takes too much effort and you can’t do anything but sit there and stare blankly at the wall. You just feel like you can’t.

I know you’re worried about your brother and his life. Why does he drink so much? He’s working so hard, you hope he takes a break soon or he might end up on antidepressants for anxiety like you are. You hope he’s careful because you love him and want him to be safe and healthy.

I know you are worried about church and how you haven’t been going like you should. How you don’t want to answer James’ phone calls and how you feel like a disappointment because like he said, he can only do his part and you have to do yours. But you just can’t. It’s too much.

I know you’re worried about all those things and more.

But honey, you’re doing just fine.

Can you see that?

Can you feel that?

That’s God. He’s always been there. Go to Him. Let Him comfort you. I know you haven’t prayed in who-knows-how-long.

I want you to remember the good things. I know that it might not seem like it, but those good things DO exist like:

Bernise’s food and how it’s always yummy even if it’s just a simple sandwich.

Erika and Cat. Cat licks you and she likes to be petted on her head. Erika will go along with whatever you want and she will pretend not to like it but you know she will always do it because she really loves you.

Grammie and everything about her. She loves you very much even though you don’t always choose to see it.

You’re going to go see Mockingjay part 2 with Erika and the grandparents!! You have waited a long time for this and now it is only three days away!!

You only have to work a few hours on Black Friday! While most people have to work 12, 11, 10 hours you got off with just four.

You have friends like James and Jared and Angelica and Bernadette, who you might not talk to daily, but they’re there

Your family is all well.

Nico’s kisses.

Seeing Calloway at work.

Hanging out with Judy at work.

Those cat stickers you bought the other day.

All the funny people you like at work like Skylar, Jasmine, Katelyn, etc.

Grammie’s sweet tea- it’s always so good.

Mom’s homemade tortillas

The people who are actually nice to you at the store

The parents at school who are always so appreciative of all that you do.

Laughing so hard that you forget how sad you always are

Cuddling with your Despicable Me pillow and how warm and inviting your bed is and listening to Taylor Swift and falling asleep to your favorite songs.

How your mom makes you chamomile tea every single morning

You’re still alive. And breathing.

Things are tough, I know it honey. I know. But please stay strong. Please. I beg you. I know sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that you can’t breathe and sometimes your eyes run out of tears long before you run out of pain, but it will be okay.

You have so many people who love you and you have cat stickers and tea and books and candles. You can do it. Some days are just harder than others. You CAN make it out, I swear to you. I know that sometimes your eyes seem like they’ll never stop spilling tears. Sometimes you cry and no sound comes. Sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself to keep it together, but it’s so hard! Sometimes nothing is easy. Some days you just want to stop existing. You just want a break from it all. Sometimes dying sounds comforting. Sometimes you just don’t feel anything, and it’s scary but not bad because at least it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I know you try to stay strong, but you fail. It’s okay. Those are the times I want you to reread this letter and know that it is going to eventually be okay. I love you. I wish you would love yourself.

Brenda