You Are Not Enough

I met you and it was so unexpected how close we became so quickly. You were so flirty and so nice and cute. I wasn’t looking for anything and yet I found you and it was like kissing my whole entire future in one man.

Maybe that’s where it went wrong.

Regardless, I would like to write you this because it’s only looking back at something when you can truly see it (quote by Taylor Swift).

For me it’s by writing it.

So we met and it was amazing. It was instant chemistry, instant attraction, it was lust to the most powerful degree you can imagine.

I was drawn to your charisma, your charm, your warmness. You liked my boldness, my intensity, my fire. I’m not a very hard person to get to know. I’m pretty friendly, but when it comes to closeness, well I’ve never been good at it.
We got to know each other and I found you were so interesting. You were much older than me, much older than I’ve ever dated before. You were patient and kind and loving. I was a storm like always. Dark and changing and intense. That’s who I am. That’s who I always will be no matter how hard I try not to be.

But you see, the thing is, I’m not only tumultuous and rainy and cold. I am also warm and kind and I love so fiercely that sometimes it scares me. Sometimes I feel like my body cannot handle how much I love I have for some people like my best friend or my family members. I don’t know how such a small fracture of self-esteem I have can manage to love someone as much as I usually do, but not be able to love myself with even a tiny bit of that love. I’m complicated. I’m broken and shattered. I have hurt for so long that I can’t even tell you what happiness is or if I’ve ever truly felt it. I’m brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I’m so talented at a lot of things and most people would say I’m intelligent and bright.

But you weren’t most people and you got to know me in a way not a lot of those people do. You had the privilege of loving me for a bit. You could only hold on for a tiny bit of time. You were only able to stand at the edge of the ocean that I am. You dipped one toe in and somehow it wasn’t what you expected, so you retracted and you turned around and hurried back to the safety of the shore. Back to stable ground where my waves could not crash on your unwavering structure of what you called a life. You stepped away from the intensity of my twists and turns and mysteries. You let go of the life-jacket you’d need to be able to handle the depths of the things my soul holds.

You were not enough for me.

But that doesn’t make this heartache any easier. It won’t. Ever. No matter how many times people or my therapist tell me how great or how awesome or whatever the fuck you want to say to me, it will never change the way I feel about myself. I don’t have any love left for myself, probably because I give it all away to undeserving people like you. I give it to people who have no business being anywhere near my ocean waves. I am vast, like the water, so blue and dark and sad. My feelings overpower almost every bit of logic, and it will always be this way for me.

I’m glad you got back to safety quickly. I really am. Although after you did reach the shore and you walked away, the clouds rained down and made the water a little higher. The saltiness added to the bitterness of the water. The rain mixed with all the water, and it made it impossible to even tell what was what anymore.

So you forgot you even tried, but you will never forget. My love is so intense, so unforgettable that you will always remember it until God knows when. And that I do know for sure because I have seen it over and over and over again. It’s not easy to forget that kind of feeling.

I hope you have a nice life. I’m sorry I couldn’t be your friend after this. The thing about friends is that friends is not something I take lightly.

You are not enough to be able to be called my friend. You thought you were hurting me, but you were just hurting the possibility of any type of friendship with me. So goodbye forever, and don’t ever forget that you were not able to hold this overflowing heart of mine. You were not able to, and that’s okay. Because maybe one day someone else will be.