When you are a little girl everything and everyone treats you like a princess. What do all princesses have? Not horses. Or castles. Or jewels.
They all have princes- and they live happily ever after.
It's not anything unusual for girls as young as 10 to be planning their wedding and dreaming about their dream boy.
I was one of those girls.
My first crush was an African American boy in my 2nd grade class. I was around 7 years old and I don't know why I liked him. I think he just stood out as being different and he was noticeable.
Before long, I was 15 and having my first boyfriend. I know, I know. I was a late arriver to the dating scene. Had I known this would affect me much later as an adult, I would have embraced it wholeheartedly.
But it did nothing but plunge my self-esteem into the dark depths of murky water below freezing temperatures.
It's not that boys weren't interested in me, it's that it never went anywhere.
The first boy who I went on a date with was a little older than me. Not by much, but he LOOKED older on the account that was almost 6' tall. I had to stand on chairs to be able to hug him. He was sweet. He liked me. He said nice things to me. I liked the attention.
After him, the boys that wanted me were all pubescent, hormonal messes who I had no interest in. At around this point, I started to realize how uninterested I was in relationships. I didn't like having to always be thinking of someone in the back of my mind. How everything you did could affect them. I did like having someone there for me, and I liked the attention and love and affection and validation that I was loved. But the rest of it- it wasn't appealing to me. I started serial-dating as I liked to call it. I had flings. Those flings often became super serious. Like LOVE serious. Thinking about my first love still sends shivers down my spine. Of all the boys I could tell you about, there is just something in common with all of them: they were ALL short-lived. I didn't like to stick around for that long. Or maybe they didn't. Who knows. I've learned it takes 2 people to make a relationship work so I won't blame it all on them, but I also won't take 100% of the blame either.
When I was 18, I fell in love. Deep, plunging, burning red, love. It was amazing. To this day I still consider this man to be the very first man who ever truly loved me and who I wholly and truly loved. It was short-lived of course- the romance. Because of a lot of reasons, but NOT because the love left. The friendship that was left continued on for several more years. It was great. Until it wasn't. I decided that I didn't like what he was giving me anymore. It wasn't enough for me, and I was brave enough to walk away. It was a hard decision- one that burnt my throat and left me empty and shattered. I needed to leave though, because staying would have been harder.
After him, came another man. He was six years older than me. It was during this time that I made a choice. I would NOT base my worth or happiness on a man. I didn't NEED a man to complete me. Only I (and God) complete me. So really, if I do end up getting married, well then great! I hope it's to someone who makes me laugh and who loves and protects me and who encourages me to be nothing else but who I am. A man who will lift me up not just emotionally, but also spiritually. He will kiss my nose in the morning and he will call me cute names. His laugh will cure every piece of broken trust in my heart. His smile will alleviate the scars of all the shatters left behind by others who were not enough to love me. He will give me children, and he will never want to give up on our love. We might not like each other 24/7 but love will be around forever. We will work through everything together.
I can't wait to meet you, future spouse. I can't wait to feel your warmth next to me as we sleep. I can't wait to kiss your lips on a 7am Sunday morning and watch the sunlight illuminate your hair against the pillow. I can't wait to be among our loved ones and glance over and catch your eye and have my heart skip a beat. I can't wait to see you at your highest, but also at your lowest.
The thing is, I CAN wait. Until I'm ready. Until YOU'RE ready. Until God is ready for us to meet.
If it doesn't happen, then that's okay too. I will live for myself and for no one else but my God. And that's perfectly fine. Until then, I'm with me. Whoever that is. :)
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
On your 23rd birthday
I met you when you were 19 years old. I was 18 and not even close to grown up.
I am now 21, almost 22, and today is your 23rd birthday.
We stopped talking over a year ago. It was a mutual decision that brought forth not only sorrow and grief- but also joy and contentment and peace- something we had not had for a long time.
When we met it was like magic. My life changed. You were like the sun- bright and shiny and warm. You brought laughter and you brought joy and you brought confidence. From the beginning you were so sure of yourself, and I absolutely loved that. I craved that kind of feeling in someone.
What we had was quick and intense. It was brief, but real. It was great, but sad. It was love, but it hurt.
I will never regret what we went through because I honestly believe to this day that we had something real. Life got in the way. You needed to finish school, you needed to focus on it.
There was too much in the way of what we had. Too many disappointments and tears and heartbreak. Too many broken promises and misspoken words and mismatched actions.
We had so much and yet nothing at the same time. It was like a light went on, but another burnt out.
It was an emotional roller coaster that we both needed to get off of.
I will always love you. There is no doubt about that. Even though we have not exchanged words in over a year, there is not a day that goes by where you do not appear in my life. I might not think about you everyday, but you're everywhere I look. You're engraved in me forever because I gave you so much of myself when we were together that I don't ever think we'll be able to tear the pieces of each other out of ourselves. I think we will always be intertwined. And i'm okay with that. It took me a long time to come to terms, but I did and life went on for both of us.
I want to wish you a happy birthday, dear friend, because I am completely and honestly happy for you. I wish you NOTHING but the best and I hope you are able to achieve all the goals you had for yourself and beyond. I hope you never forget who you are and what you mean to all the people who love you. I hope you know that I would give anything to be able to see you be happy. You were at one time one of the most important people in my life, and I will never forget you. You scarred me. You broke me down into a million pieces and then scattered the pieces over the world. You took me and you broke my soul. You broke my heart. You took a knife straight to my heart- time and time again.
You also loved me and lifted me up. You told me I was beautiful at 2am and you whispered that you loved me at 7am when the sun was rising and a new day was starting and you were there everyday. You looked at me with admiration and you listened to every hope and dream and fear I had. You held my hand and gave me strength when I had none left. You kissed the scars and you understood me more than I ever understood myself. You let me be me, and you laughed along with me when I messed up and you taught me things I will never forget.
I love you. I always will. Happy 23rd birthday. I hope it's a great one.
Love,
Brenda
I am now 21, almost 22, and today is your 23rd birthday.
We stopped talking over a year ago. It was a mutual decision that brought forth not only sorrow and grief- but also joy and contentment and peace- something we had not had for a long time.
When we met it was like magic. My life changed. You were like the sun- bright and shiny and warm. You brought laughter and you brought joy and you brought confidence. From the beginning you were so sure of yourself, and I absolutely loved that. I craved that kind of feeling in someone.
What we had was quick and intense. It was brief, but real. It was great, but sad. It was love, but it hurt.
I will never regret what we went through because I honestly believe to this day that we had something real. Life got in the way. You needed to finish school, you needed to focus on it.
There was too much in the way of what we had. Too many disappointments and tears and heartbreak. Too many broken promises and misspoken words and mismatched actions.
We had so much and yet nothing at the same time. It was like a light went on, but another burnt out.
It was an emotional roller coaster that we both needed to get off of.
I will always love you. There is no doubt about that. Even though we have not exchanged words in over a year, there is not a day that goes by where you do not appear in my life. I might not think about you everyday, but you're everywhere I look. You're engraved in me forever because I gave you so much of myself when we were together that I don't ever think we'll be able to tear the pieces of each other out of ourselves. I think we will always be intertwined. And i'm okay with that. It took me a long time to come to terms, but I did and life went on for both of us.
I want to wish you a happy birthday, dear friend, because I am completely and honestly happy for you. I wish you NOTHING but the best and I hope you are able to achieve all the goals you had for yourself and beyond. I hope you never forget who you are and what you mean to all the people who love you. I hope you know that I would give anything to be able to see you be happy. You were at one time one of the most important people in my life, and I will never forget you. You scarred me. You broke me down into a million pieces and then scattered the pieces over the world. You took me and you broke my soul. You broke my heart. You took a knife straight to my heart- time and time again.
You also loved me and lifted me up. You told me I was beautiful at 2am and you whispered that you loved me at 7am when the sun was rising and a new day was starting and you were there everyday. You looked at me with admiration and you listened to every hope and dream and fear I had. You held my hand and gave me strength when I had none left. You kissed the scars and you understood me more than I ever understood myself. You let me be me, and you laughed along with me when I messed up and you taught me things I will never forget.
I love you. I always will. Happy 23rd birthday. I hope it's a great one.
Love,
Brenda
Thursday, April 7, 2016
On working, life, and growing up
I want to talk today about my experience as a non-traditional student and working gal!
I graduated high school in May 2013 (that's 3 years ago!). While most of my fellow graduates went on to college, others got married and had children, and still others went on to move to other towns and pursue their hobbies, I merely stayed in my hometown and hung around. I couldn't afford to travel on a big, lavish trip like some of my friends. For me, the day after graduation was just another normal Saturday. I was pretty tired because I had stayed up pretty late that Friday. It was very normal.
Starting in 8th grade, they drill into your brain that you MUST go to college. It's A NECESSITY. If you don't go to college you are a FAILURE.
I do NOT agree with this.
I believe that it's a personal choice. Sure, there are statistics out there that say college graduates make 78% (I've made this number up) more money than non-graduates. But then again, look at people like college dropout Mark Zuckerburg- he's a billionaire. And yes, there's a one-in-a-gazillion chance that we'll too become billionaires, but if Zuckerburg's experiences tell us ANYTHING it's that if we pursue our true dreams, then we can achieve success by our own measures.
So yes, my take on the issue is: pursue your dreams. If that's college, sure, if it's taking 3 years off to go on a sabbatical in Thailand, go for it. Just be realistic. Because at the end of your life, I highly doubt anyone looks back and wishes they'd gotten a degree instead of starting a family. Or sat hours in a classroom when they could have been seeing the Grand Canyon.
Life is short, for goodness sake just do what you want!
Moving on, I want to talk about my own experiences growing up.
The night shift life was NOT fun. I'd be getting home by 5:30am and in bed by 6am. I'd get up around 1pm or 2pm to use the bathroom, then fall asleep again until around 5pm when I'd eat dinner and shower and start getting ready for work again. I'd leave home by 6:30 pm and get to the factory at 6:45ish. By the time I clocked in and made it to the back to my post, it'd be 7. We had a break around 9:15. Most of my coworkers smoked, so I'd just go back there with them and sit outside just to get out of the hot, paint fumes from the station next to us.
We make our own way.
Soon after high school, I realized I needed to do something with myself. I'd had my break, now I was just laying around the house being unproductive. I knew I didn't want to go to college just yet, so I decided to get a job. I applied at a lot of retail facilities and even thought about doing CNA classes.
Towards the middle of July, the only place who had called me back and offered me a job was an automotive factory. I accepted and started in a few days. I would be working the night shift- 7pm to 4am, sometimes 6am.
It was HORRIBLE.
The place was huge, hot, smelly, loud, and just generally depressing. My job wasn't too bad, just hanging parts on a rack for painting, then sorting the parts once they came back from Paint. It was a boring job, but an easy one for my very first job. I soon learned that this was not something I was interested in. After just a few hours of hanging L and R parts, I was overcome with this intense feeling that I'd rather be doing ANYTHING else other than this. My coworkers were super nice and helpful, the pay was awesome, and I got the weekends off, but the job itself was purely sad.
Lunch was at 11pm. The cafeteria had yummy food and I mostly ate burgers and one day they had breakfast for dinner. It was weird, eating at midnight. My body was super confused. We'd go back to work and had another break around 1am or so. This was my favorite time because we'd go outside and it was usually very cool. The stars were out and the world seemed dead- yet life went on for us in the factory. We were wide awake while everyone else was fast asleep. It was strange.
Work was over at 4am, unless we hadn't reached our goal that night and our team leader decided we needed to stay.
This happened almost every night, so I'd end up getting home by 6:30ish and asleep by 7am.
About a week into my personal hell, a friend of mine told me about a job opening where she worked as a translator. I applied and was offered an interview.
I got the job! So just 2 months after getting out of school for 12 years straight, I was going right back to the school calendar/schedule.
I love my job for the most part. This fall I will be starting my 4th year! It's truly been an amazing job where I have learned many new things and have grown as a person.
So yeah, I didn't follow the path everyone else did. So what?
I'm fine with that.
I graduated high school in May 2013 (that's 3 years ago!). While most of my fellow graduates went on to college, others got married and had children, and still others went on to move to other towns and pursue their hobbies, I merely stayed in my hometown and hung around. I couldn't afford to travel on a big, lavish trip like some of my friends. For me, the day after graduation was just another normal Saturday. I was pretty tired because I had stayed up pretty late that Friday. It was very normal.
Starting in 8th grade, they drill into your brain that you MUST go to college. It's A NECESSITY. If you don't go to college you are a FAILURE.
I do NOT agree with this.
I believe that it's a personal choice. Sure, there are statistics out there that say college graduates make 78% (I've made this number up) more money than non-graduates. But then again, look at people like college dropout Mark Zuckerburg- he's a billionaire. And yes, there's a one-in-a-gazillion chance that we'll too become billionaires, but if Zuckerburg's experiences tell us ANYTHING it's that if we pursue our true dreams, then we can achieve success by our own measures.
So yes, my take on the issue is: pursue your dreams. If that's college, sure, if it's taking 3 years off to go on a sabbatical in Thailand, go for it. Just be realistic. Because at the end of your life, I highly doubt anyone looks back and wishes they'd gotten a degree instead of starting a family. Or sat hours in a classroom when they could have been seeing the Grand Canyon.
Life is short, for goodness sake just do what you want!
Moving on, I want to talk about my own experiences growing up.
The night shift life was NOT fun. I'd be getting home by 5:30am and in bed by 6am. I'd get up around 1pm or 2pm to use the bathroom, then fall asleep again until around 5pm when I'd eat dinner and shower and start getting ready for work again. I'd leave home by 6:30 pm and get to the factory at 6:45ish. By the time I clocked in and made it to the back to my post, it'd be 7. We had a break around 9:15. Most of my coworkers smoked, so I'd just go back there with them and sit outside just to get out of the hot, paint fumes from the station next to us.
We make our own way.
Soon after high school, I realized I needed to do something with myself. I'd had my break, now I was just laying around the house being unproductive. I knew I didn't want to go to college just yet, so I decided to get a job. I applied at a lot of retail facilities and even thought about doing CNA classes.
Towards the middle of July, the only place who had called me back and offered me a job was an automotive factory. I accepted and started in a few days. I would be working the night shift- 7pm to 4am, sometimes 6am.
It was HORRIBLE.
The place was huge, hot, smelly, loud, and just generally depressing. My job wasn't too bad, just hanging parts on a rack for painting, then sorting the parts once they came back from Paint. It was a boring job, but an easy one for my very first job. I soon learned that this was not something I was interested in. After just a few hours of hanging L and R parts, I was overcome with this intense feeling that I'd rather be doing ANYTHING else other than this. My coworkers were super nice and helpful, the pay was awesome, and I got the weekends off, but the job itself was purely sad.
Lunch was at 11pm. The cafeteria had yummy food and I mostly ate burgers and one day they had breakfast for dinner. It was weird, eating at midnight. My body was super confused. We'd go back to work and had another break around 1am or so. This was my favorite time because we'd go outside and it was usually very cool. The stars were out and the world seemed dead- yet life went on for us in the factory. We were wide awake while everyone else was fast asleep. It was strange.
Work was over at 4am, unless we hadn't reached our goal that night and our team leader decided we needed to stay.
This happened almost every night, so I'd end up getting home by 6:30ish and asleep by 7am.
About a week into my personal hell, a friend of mine told me about a job opening where she worked as a translator. I applied and was offered an interview.
I got the job! So just 2 months after getting out of school for 12 years straight, I was going right back to the school calendar/schedule.
I love my job for the most part. This fall I will be starting my 4th year! It's truly been an amazing job where I have learned many new things and have grown as a person.
So yeah, I didn't follow the path everyone else did. So what?
I'm fine with that.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Excuses, excuses, or maybe just how I live my life!
I am always late.
Always.
Without an ounce of doubt, whatever it is- my own funeral, my own wedding- you can count on me being late to it.
A lot of times I have tried to "justify" my lateness as a cultural thing. Being Hispanic, I'm sure you have heard of the lightness we put on the importance of being on time. But I can no longer justify it, seeing as how my best friend, who is also Mexican, is RARELY late. She is my clock and the reason why I am on time. If it wasn't for her constant "we need to go" then honestly, I'd never get to do much because when we plan to do stuff and she's involved in the timekeeping, it always comes out well.
Being on time is just NOT a skill I have. I have tried to work on it with no success. So what do I do? Beat myself up about it? Work on it harder? Start wearing a watch?
No. Instead I come up with excuses. Lately my tardiness has really been on my mind. Mostly due to the fact that I've been arriving later and later to work.
In my own words, it's really hard to be at work at 7:30am when I leave the house at 7:31.
But that's not all. It's hard to get to work at my night job by 4:30 when sometimes I'm leaving the house at 4:28 and it takes me five minutes to get there. Here are some of my most colorful excuses I've given my manager (so far):
*Note: My job allows us 14 minutes to be late, anything over and you will be talked to. But come on, we're adults, we should be on time. I admit that.
...honestly, I just didn't feel like coming in.
Always.
Without an ounce of doubt, whatever it is- my own funeral, my own wedding- you can count on me being late to it.
A lot of times I have tried to "justify" my lateness as a cultural thing. Being Hispanic, I'm sure you have heard of the lightness we put on the importance of being on time. But I can no longer justify it, seeing as how my best friend, who is also Mexican, is RARELY late. She is my clock and the reason why I am on time. If it wasn't for her constant "we need to go" then honestly, I'd never get to do much because when we plan to do stuff and she's involved in the timekeeping, it always comes out well.
Being on time is just NOT a skill I have. I have tried to work on it with no success. So what do I do? Beat myself up about it? Work on it harder? Start wearing a watch?
No. Instead I come up with excuses. Lately my tardiness has really been on my mind. Mostly due to the fact that I've been arriving later and later to work.
In my own words, it's really hard to be at work at 7:30am when I leave the house at 7:31.
But that's not all. It's hard to get to work at my night job by 4:30 when sometimes I'm leaving the house at 4:28 and it takes me five minutes to get there. Here are some of my most colorful excuses I've given my manager (so far):
*Note: My job allows us 14 minutes to be late, anything over and you will be talked to. But come on, we're adults, we should be on time. I admit that.
- Sorry, I was eating pizza.
- Oops, I was playing with my YoucamMakeup app.
- Traffic!
- I got pulled over.
- I had to stay over at my day job longer than usual.
- I couldn't find my vest/keys/name tag/pen
- Car wouldn't start
- I was talking on the phone with mah bestie
- I hadn't finished my popsicle
- I was sleeping
- I forgot something at home and had to go back to get it
- I was watching Hulu/Netflix
- I forgot I was scheduled today
- I thought today was my day off
- My alarm didn't go off
- I was hungry so I decided to eat first
- I was in the bathroom
- I was running an errand
- I had to stop and get gas for my car
- Some guy took forever to turn and so I was stuck behind him
- I was dealing with a family crisis
- My niece needed a ride
- I had important things to do
- My street was blocked off
...honestly, I just didn't feel like coming in.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Obsessions
February
seemed to have just flown by! It started off great, ended not-so great and now
here we are in March! Time is flying by for sure.
My post
today has to do with obsessions.
I happen to
have a VERY obsessive personality. I didn’t notice this until my best friend Erika
pointed it to me one day. She noticed how, when I started dating a guy, I’d
become obsessed with whatever his interests happened to be. There was the one
guy who was into baseball and guns and Christina Perri. So I started reading
baseball fiction books (Mike Lupica is SUCH a great author!) and looking up
info on stuff he’d mention and I started listening to Christina Perri a lot
more than I had before. One guy was into this song about rain, and I hate to lie,
but it was a GOOD song! Another guy was into drawing and computers and
animation, so there I go looking into it. I know it’s cool when your partner
tries to get into the stuff you like, but I just took it too far! Anyway, I
wanted to write about the periods of times when I became obsessed with buying
certain things. I go through these phases quite often where I just buy a bunch
of one thing. Some of things have included:
Earrings
I got my ears pierced when I was 19 for the first time so I went way overboard buying earrings. I must have bought at LEAST 20 pairs, and I ended up only wearing maybe 5 or so pairs.
Lotions from Bath and Body
SO many. I ended up having to give some to my mom because I had a huge collection that I was NEVER going to finish. Plus after awhile I realized that the smells were so strong, they were ok for awhile but then they got on my nerves.
Pens
All sorts of pens. Especially colorful, girly, cute ones. I ended up not even using these and most of them dried out so it was really a waste. I can’t help it. I just love having tons of different colored pens.
Journals/notebooks/composition books
OMG I have like 70 unfinished journals! I try to reuse them, but it’s hard. And I always end up buying NEW ones when I start a new hobby.
Eyeliner
I went through this phase where I’d buy every eyeliner I’d see. Thankfully, I won’t run out for a few years!
Lipgloss
Same issue as the eyeliner. But I had to throw away a lot of it when I realized glitter got everywhere and annoyed me too much.
Stickers
Especially Barbie stickers! I still have some, but nowhere to put them.
Magazines
I have stopped this since then, but I once had a pretty amazing collection of magazines. My favorite was “m”, but it stopped printing back in the day. I loved it because it had quizzes and free posters!
Phone cases
I actually haven’t bought a phone case in a few months, unless you count me signing up to a subscription that sends you a case monthly!
That’s all I can think of at the moment! Oh wait… my biggest obsession:
BOOKS.
I have too many. I buy several every month. I have a problem.
No I don’t.
Monday, February 8, 2016
The best thing ever…
There are so many. My thoughts are all over the place,
but I wanted to write some of it down before I forgot. I guess this particular
post is about my personal experience with Prozac. I’ve been on it now for 154
days. That’s close to a little over five months or 22 weeks. Since I started,
my life has weirdly changed a lot and yet stayed the same. I wish I could
explain some of it, and I’m still not sure if I can attribute it to the
medicine, but it’s quite a remarkable change. A lot of things HAVEN’T changed,
and that can be seen as both negative and positive, depending on your view. For
me, just the option of HAVING a view is a big thing. Before the medicine, I saw
everything as bad. I couldn’t “look at the bright side”, because there was ONLY
a dark side for me and anything else was absolutely impossible. I remember the
first few weeks when I noticed something was off. When people think depression,
they probably think people wearing black and crying and listening to emo music
while hating the world and staring at their MCR poster. They might think
cutting and/or any other type of self-harm. Perhaps they imagine suicide idealization
or something.
For me, it was sleep.
The most innocent thing. But sleep was the first
symptom. I can’t really remember much, and that’s hard to say because memory
has always been one of my strongest suites.
I do however remember sleeping 12 or more hours a day.
I’d wake up because I felt I HAD to or else I’d be wasting my days away. And I was.
But I didn’t know that. Now you might be thinking, sleep is just sleep,
everyone does it. What made it different for me was that I wasn’t just sleeping
at night. I was sleeping ALL THE TIME. I would literally sleep 10 or more
hours, then I’d eat breakfast and then take a 1, 2 hour nap and then go right
back to sleep at night for another 10, 11 hours. This went on for a few weeks.
The second thing was isolation. I wanted to do nothing but sit in my house and
watch TV. I didn’t want to see anyone, I didn’t want to talk. Everything took
too much effort. I went into this deep hole of despair. It was so hard.
A few other things I experienced were irritability at
the slightest thing, I lost interest in some of my favorite activities, and I generally
lost my interest in life.
This was July of 2015. I didn’t go to the doctor until
September. I was diagnosed with major depression on September 10th
and I started Prozac that same day- 20mg a day. I would eventually go up to
60mg, and I do think that is the right dose for me. However, a lot of things
didn’t get better- for example my concentration issues. It wasn’t a miracle
drug that immediately fixed everything. I think if anything, it allowed me to
open up and see the world in a way I couldn’t before. It lifted me. The first
few months were the hardest, sometimes I had these horrible thoughts like, what
if I took all my pills at once? I remember telling my psych nurse this and her
telling me it wouldn’t kill me, but it would probably make me wish it had with
how bad it’d make me feel. I didn’t want to die- I wanted to stop feeling pain.
Emotional pain was the last thing I thought of when I thought of my mental illness. It’s kind of the thing at the bottom of the list for me. To be honest, I’d take the pain over the apathy, the hopelessness, the dullness of life. At least when I was in pain, I could FEEL something, and to me, that was the most valuable thing at the time.
Have you ever wondered what it feels like to NOT feel anything at all? That’s how it was. Like the world had been turned off. The colors were too dim, and the sounds were dull. Once the medicine started working, it was like someone had painted a new mural. The colors were sharp and contrasting- the sounds were loud and clear. It was like this cloud lifted off and the fog disappeared and everything was noticeable once again.
Emotional pain was the last thing I thought of when I thought of my mental illness. It’s kind of the thing at the bottom of the list for me. To be honest, I’d take the pain over the apathy, the hopelessness, the dullness of life. At least when I was in pain, I could FEEL something, and to me, that was the most valuable thing at the time.
Have you ever wondered what it feels like to NOT feel anything at all? That’s how it was. Like the world had been turned off. The colors were too dim, and the sounds were dull. Once the medicine started working, it was like someone had painted a new mural. The colors were sharp and contrasting- the sounds were loud and clear. It was like this cloud lifted off and the fog disappeared and everything was noticeable once again.
Let me be clear that there are still some days when I
feel depressed. Prozac didn’t erase my depression, it merely helped me to try
to get it under control. Some days are still the worst days ever. Some days I
want to stop feeling. But the difference
is that now there’s a tiny shard of hope telling me that it won’t always feel
this way. The difference is that I can now see that hey, wait a minute, it’s
ONE bad day, there will be other good days.
That is what Prozac did for me.
But everyone’s different. Like I said, some days are still hard. I’ve come to learn that’s true even for people who don’t have depression. Having bad days really makes one appreciate the good ones.
So I didn’t turn into an optimist over night, but I did become someone who was able to see the other side. And that- to me- was the best thing ever.
But everyone’s different. Like I said, some days are still hard. I’ve come to learn that’s true even for people who don’t have depression. Having bad days really makes one appreciate the good ones.
So I didn’t turn into an optimist over night, but I did become someone who was able to see the other side. And that- to me- was the best thing ever.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
A look back on 2015
Ah, another year over. You know, I'm not usually the kind of person who sits and reminisces about the year like a lot of people do. To be quite honest, I don't remember much of this year. It's all jumbled up in my head. But I'll try to unscramble the thoughts to hopefully make a coherent point for your sake.
Let's see. The beginning. What do I remember? Shit. I don't remember anything. It seems so... bleak. I remember working at Walmart. I spent New Year's eve with my best friend and second mom, Bernise. We drank fancy vodka and talked all night. It was wonderful. I ate some ham and bread and it was delicious as her food never ever disappoints. I remember having some food with my family. What did we eat? Maybe mole? I do remember taking a pic with them and then having to go work at Walmart.
In February, I quit Walmart. It was a bittersweet ending because although I needed a break like we need oxygen, I was still sad about leaving because of all the cool people I had met. Looking back now, this time around it was much better, but still.
It snowed quite a bit this past year. Lots and lots of ice and snow. It was nice.
March was the first month since May 2014 I had a day off. It was nice. My mom had a birthday. March was the last time I heard Ryan's voice on Skype.
In April I stopped talking to Ryan. We had been friends for almost three years, and we mutually decided it needed to end.
In May my dad got sick and was in the hospital 2 hours away for almost a month- my mom with him. I spent those weeks home alone trying to be a responsible person. It was tough! I had to take out the trash and wash dishes and cook food for myself!! It was so hard. My niece stayed with me a few days to keep me company, but even then it was like, not the same. My brother works nights so I was home alone during the nights and during the days I'd visit my parents. It was tough.
Youssef helped me a lot during this time. I met him in the middle of May and it was marvelous. He is one of my best friends in the whole world now. He is brilliant and caring and unlike anyone I've ever met.
In June, I started to not feel so well. It was then that it hit me that I was depressed. Most of this month was spent moping around the house- sleeping on and off. I knew I had to do something yet it seemed impossible to move.
In July, I returned to my job at walmart. Training and more training and I was back. It helped.
In August, I got majorly overwhelmed by 2 jobs again. I promised myself I wouldn't do it again for as long as I lived, but yet now it was my lifeline to distract me from the horrible depression I had sunk in. It was strange, going back yet not hard at all.
In September I finally got help for my depression after deciding it wasn't just about me, it was about everyone around me and this was MY LIFE I was dealing with. I got on 20mg of Prozac. In early October, I started psychotherapy. I was then switched to 40mg and it was like a switch. I was still sad on some days, but on most days I managed to get out of bed and to LIVE. It was something I needed and I don't care if you don't believe in medicine, I truly feel like I would have done something tragic had I not gotten on an antidepressant.
In September Erika and I got to see Taylor Swift in concert! It was beyond amazing.
In late October, I turned 21! Finally legal to drink! I had a neat, small birthday party with huge balloons and candy and flan and Uno.
November was crazy! The 2 jobs thing is still hard. Not as hard as it used to, but still pretty tough especially around the holidays. 98% of the month of December I spent inside Walmart.
Now, looking back it seems like such a short time. But 365 days don't lie. It was a tough year, but it was also a year full of learning and full of new experiences. I wouldn't change a thing.
Now for the next year?
I'd like to read more. I've given that up for awhile now.
I'd like to try college. Maybe in the fall now.
I'd like to get back to learning Dutch and finish Rosetta Stone by the end of 2016.
I'd like to do more charity and helping, maybe involve myself with the Family Resource Center more. Helping feels so awesome.
I'd like to blog more- at least once a month.
I'd like to be a better friend, sister, daughter, sister-in-christ, aunt, member of church, woman.
I'd like to spend more time with my oldest niece and nephew. I'll try to take her out at least once a few months.
I'd like to quit working 2 jobs at least by the middle of the year.
I'd like to become financially stable and start building an emergency fund.
I'd like to watch my health more- both mental and physical. Be more active, drink less Coke, and try to get my blood pressure under control.
I'd like to continue therapy and keep working on myself.
These are some of my goals :)
2016, here I come!
Let's see. The beginning. What do I remember? Shit. I don't remember anything. It seems so... bleak. I remember working at Walmart. I spent New Year's eve with my best friend and second mom, Bernise. We drank fancy vodka and talked all night. It was wonderful. I ate some ham and bread and it was delicious as her food never ever disappoints. I remember having some food with my family. What did we eat? Maybe mole? I do remember taking a pic with them and then having to go work at Walmart.
In February, I quit Walmart. It was a bittersweet ending because although I needed a break like we need oxygen, I was still sad about leaving because of all the cool people I had met. Looking back now, this time around it was much better, but still.
It snowed quite a bit this past year. Lots and lots of ice and snow. It was nice.
March was the first month since May 2014 I had a day off. It was nice. My mom had a birthday. March was the last time I heard Ryan's voice on Skype.
In April I stopped talking to Ryan. We had been friends for almost three years, and we mutually decided it needed to end.
In May my dad got sick and was in the hospital 2 hours away for almost a month- my mom with him. I spent those weeks home alone trying to be a responsible person. It was tough! I had to take out the trash and wash dishes and cook food for myself!! It was so hard. My niece stayed with me a few days to keep me company, but even then it was like, not the same. My brother works nights so I was home alone during the nights and during the days I'd visit my parents. It was tough.
Youssef helped me a lot during this time. I met him in the middle of May and it was marvelous. He is one of my best friends in the whole world now. He is brilliant and caring and unlike anyone I've ever met.
In June, I started to not feel so well. It was then that it hit me that I was depressed. Most of this month was spent moping around the house- sleeping on and off. I knew I had to do something yet it seemed impossible to move.
In July, I returned to my job at walmart. Training and more training and I was back. It helped.
In August, I got majorly overwhelmed by 2 jobs again. I promised myself I wouldn't do it again for as long as I lived, but yet now it was my lifeline to distract me from the horrible depression I had sunk in. It was strange, going back yet not hard at all.
In September I finally got help for my depression after deciding it wasn't just about me, it was about everyone around me and this was MY LIFE I was dealing with. I got on 20mg of Prozac. In early October, I started psychotherapy. I was then switched to 40mg and it was like a switch. I was still sad on some days, but on most days I managed to get out of bed and to LIVE. It was something I needed and I don't care if you don't believe in medicine, I truly feel like I would have done something tragic had I not gotten on an antidepressant.
In September Erika and I got to see Taylor Swift in concert! It was beyond amazing.
In late October, I turned 21! Finally legal to drink! I had a neat, small birthday party with huge balloons and candy and flan and Uno.
November was crazy! The 2 jobs thing is still hard. Not as hard as it used to, but still pretty tough especially around the holidays. 98% of the month of December I spent inside Walmart.
Now, looking back it seems like such a short time. But 365 days don't lie. It was a tough year, but it was also a year full of learning and full of new experiences. I wouldn't change a thing.
Now for the next year?
I'd like to read more. I've given that up for awhile now.
I'd like to try college. Maybe in the fall now.
I'd like to get back to learning Dutch and finish Rosetta Stone by the end of 2016.
I'd like to do more charity and helping, maybe involve myself with the Family Resource Center more. Helping feels so awesome.
I'd like to blog more- at least once a month.
I'd like to be a better friend, sister, daughter, sister-in-christ, aunt, member of church, woman.
I'd like to spend more time with my oldest niece and nephew. I'll try to take her out at least once a few months.
I'd like to quit working 2 jobs at least by the middle of the year.
I'd like to become financially stable and start building an emergency fund.
I'd like to watch my health more- both mental and physical. Be more active, drink less Coke, and try to get my blood pressure under control.
I'd like to continue therapy and keep working on myself.
These are some of my goals :)
2016, here I come!
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