A look back on 2015

Ah, another year over. You know, I'm not usually the kind of person who sits and reminisces about the year like a lot of people do. To be quite honest, I don't remember much of this year. It's all jumbled up in my head. But I'll try to unscramble the thoughts to hopefully make a coherent point for your sake.
Let's see. The beginning. What do I remember? Shit. I don't remember anything. It seems so... bleak. I remember working at Walmart. I spent New Year's eve with my best friend and second mom, Bernise. We drank fancy vodka and talked all night. It was wonderful. I ate some ham and bread and it was delicious as her food never ever disappoints. I remember having some food with my family. What did we eat? Maybe mole? I do remember taking a pic with them and then having to go work at Walmart.
In February, I quit Walmart. It was a bittersweet ending because although I needed a break like we need oxygen, I was still sad about leaving because of all the cool people I had met. Looking back now, this time around it was much better, but still. 
It snowed quite a bit this past year. Lots and lots of ice and snow. It was nice.
March was the first month since May 2014 I had a day off. It was nice. My mom had a birthday. March was the last time I heard Ryan's voice on Skype. 
In April I stopped talking to Ryan. We had been friends for almost three years, and we mutually decided it needed to end. 
In May my dad got sick and was in the hospital 2 hours away for almost a month- my mom with him. I spent those weeks home alone trying to be a responsible person. It was tough! I had to take out the trash and wash dishes and cook food for myself!! It was so hard. My niece stayed with me a few days to keep me company, but even then it was like, not the same. My brother works nights so I was home alone during the nights and during the days I'd visit my parents. It was tough. 
Youssef helped me a lot during this time. I met him in the middle of May and it was marvelous. He is one of my best friends in the whole world now. He is brilliant and caring and unlike anyone I've ever met.
In June, I started to not feel so well. It was then that it hit me that I was depressed. Most of this month was spent moping around the house- sleeping on and off. I knew I had to do something yet it seemed impossible to move.
In July, I returned to my job at walmart. Training and more training and I was back. It helped.
In August, I got majorly overwhelmed by 2 jobs again. I promised myself I wouldn't do it again for as long as I lived, but yet now it was my lifeline to distract me from the horrible depression I had sunk in. It was strange, going back yet not hard at all.
In September I finally got help for my depression after deciding it wasn't just about me, it was about everyone around me and this was MY LIFE I was dealing with. I got on 20mg of Prozac. In early October, I started psychotherapy. I was then switched to 40mg and it was like a switch. I was still sad on some days, but on most days I managed to get out of bed and to LIVE. It was something I needed and I don't care if you don't believe in medicine, I truly feel like I would have done something tragic had I not gotten on an antidepressant.
In September Erika and I got to see Taylor Swift in concert! It was beyond amazing.
In late October, I turned 21! Finally legal to drink! I had a neat, small birthday party with huge balloons and candy and flan and Uno.
November was crazy! The 2 jobs thing is still hard. Not as hard as it used to, but still pretty tough especially around the holidays. 98% of the month of December I spent inside Walmart.

Now, looking back it seems like such a short time. But 365 days don't lie. It was a tough year, but it was also a year full of learning and full of new experiences. I wouldn't change a thing.

Now for the next year?
I'd like to read more. I've given that up for awhile now.
I'd like to try college. Maybe in the fall now.
I'd like to get back to learning Dutch and finish Rosetta Stone by the end of 2016.
I'd like to do more charity and helping, maybe involve myself with the Family Resource Center more. Helping feels so awesome.
I'd like to blog more- at least once a month.
I'd like to be a better friend, sister, daughter, sister-in-christ, aunt, member of church, woman.
I'd like to spend more time with my oldest niece and nephew. I'll try to take her out at least once a few months.
I'd like to quit working 2 jobs at least by the middle of the year.
I'd like to become financially stable and start building an emergency fund.
I'd like to watch my health more- both mental and physical. Be more active, drink less Coke, and try to get my blood pressure under control.
I'd like to continue therapy and keep working on myself.
These are some of my goals :)

2016, here I come! 

You.

It's been 10 days since we last exchanged words. Ten. Doesn't seem like a lot to the common person. But to me it has been a thousand lifetimes. I miss your voice. I miss your fucking voice like I miss being able to breathe during an asthma attack. I miss your laugh. I miss hearing it in my ears and getting butterflies. I would do anything to be able to hear that laugh again. I miss you so much that it hurts to think about you. I try not to, but you are always on my mind. There are so many things I want to tell you, but can't. I just can't.
Do you miss me, too?
Do you still love me?
Do you think about me or did you already forget about me?
I wish I could apologize in a way that would make you forget the pain I caused you. I wish we could start over.
What I would give to be able to talk to you again.
What do we do? Do we give it time? I'm so scared of losing you, yet I fight myself to force myself out of your life. Ten days. I remember back when we used to not talk for just one day or two and you'd message me and say you missed me. I wonder if it's killing you to not talk to me, too. I think it is. But I also understand, because I'm there right now too. I'm sorry. I am. I miss you. Please. Come back. I love you! You took my heart and I just want you back. You can keep the heart. I just want you. I swear I can be a better person. I swear we can do this. We have already gotten through so much- please, I promise we can get through this, too. Together. 'Cause I love you and you love me and I know we can have it all. I love you so damn much- more than I've loved anyone in a long, long time. You are such an amazing, patient, man. And you deserve more than me, but I'm too selfish and I still only want you for myself.
I wish you could be happy. I miss you. Please.

An Open Letter to Myself

An open letter to myself on those “tough days”:

Dear Brenda,

I am going to write you something and I’m going to write it to you, but I’m going to write to you as if you were someone I am trying to help. I want you to know it’s going to be okay. It will. It might not feel like it right now, but it will. I want you to know that I know it’s hard. It hurts. Everything seems too bright and overwhelming. Everyone wants too much from you. Everyone expects you to do more than you think you can, but you CAN do it! You HAVE done it, day after day. Even on those days when you wanted nothing but to sit in the bathroom and cry your eyes out. Even on those days when getting out of bed seemed close to impossible. Do you remember that last year? You didn’t even know you were struggling with depression yet you managed to get out of bed and come to work every day. And if that’s not something to be proud of, then I don’t know what is.

Do you remember how heavy your legs felt? Do you remember the dread of  hearing that alarm in the morning, dragging you from the only peace you knew? Dragging you from the escape you had from the despair?

But you fought it. You are a warrior.

You are strong and brave.

You can do it.

It doesn’t feel like it right now, I know baby girl. I know. I know that things suck. I know that Youssef hates you right now and you keep fighting yourself to go back to him, but yet you stay away so you can’t hurt him anymore. It’s better that way. If you’re far away from him, you can’t harm him. Not anymore. He can be happy far far away from you, like every other boy you’ve ever destroyed or who has destroyed you.

I know you are stressed about money. I know that there isn’t enough and you’re so goddamned tired of working two jobs day and night. I know you long to come home after a long day at work and just go for a walk and relax, but no- the cashier struggle is there. I know that you have all sorts of debts piling up. I know that you want to throw up at the thought of them, but I want you to know how proud I am of you for almost finishing paying off your car. Month after month your payment was there. And yes, sometimes you couldn’t afford to go out with your friends or to buy yourself something new, but as of now you have a roof on your head and your parents are alive and well and so are your siblings and you have these great friends and a great job with awesome coworkers. You are so lucky. Please don’t forget it.

I know your thoughts are dark and stormy. I know you question your life every single time you open your eyes in the morning. I know you ask yourself if it is worth it.

I know your car is not working right and it could cost a lot of money to fix it.

I know that you would give anything to be able to have someone love you like you love them.

I know that therapy appointments are piling up and you keep finding things wrong with you and it’s so sad. But you are you and people love you so it might not be as bad as you think you are.

I know that you are stressed about work and all the people who are mean to you at the register. I know that the lady from the other day was so rude, but all you could do was smile and thank her for shopping at your store, because that is your job.

I know all you wanted was to tell her the truth of all of it, and mostly just make her realize how bad her attitude was.

I know all of that, baby girl. I know.

Life is so tough. Life is so hard. But you are tougher.

I want you to believe that, no matter how hard things are right now.

I know you’re worried. I know your 20s are happening and you still haven’t found a career path you want. I know that right now all you care about is making enough money to make it to the next damn month. But that is no way to live. I know you’re worried about your parents. They’re getting older and less able to work. I know you want to go to college, but are afraid that your mental illness will interfere. I know you’re scared you won’t be able to afford it.

I know you’re worried about your sister and being a single mom. I know you worry about your niece and how she is going to be able to make it through high school and all its pressures. I know you worry about your nieces and nephews and their lives.

I know you worry about Erika and her life. I know that you want her to do the best and you want her to do it with or without you. I know you love her far more than you love yourself and how you think that will never be enough. I know you want her to keep going to church, even on the days you just can’t because moving seems impossible and talking to other people makes you want to run and hide. That’s your depression talking, honey, so don’t be so hard on yourself.

I know you worry about her mom and how she’ll handle Juan moving out. I know you love her very much and you always want the best for all them, and how you wish Juan would realize how much this will affect the only mother he will truly know.

I know you worry about Grammy and her dad and his girlfriend. I know you worry about her when she worries about you. You pretend you are fine, but she knows you are not. You know that she prays for you, and you wish to God you could have the motivation to pray for her, too. But sometimes even moving takes too much effort and you can’t do anything but sit there and stare blankly at the wall. You just feel like you can’t.

I know you’re worried about your brother and his life. Why does he drink so much? He’s working so hard, you hope he takes a break soon or he might end up on antidepressants for anxiety like you are. You hope he’s careful because you love him and want him to be safe and healthy.

I know you are worried about church and how you haven’t been going like you should. How you don’t want to answer James’ phone calls and how you feel like a disappointment because like he said, he can only do his part and you have to do yours. But you just can’t. It’s too much.

I know you’re worried about all those things and more.

But honey, you’re doing just fine.

Can you see that?

Can you feel that?

That’s God. He’s always been there. Go to Him. Let Him comfort you. I know you haven’t prayed in who-knows-how-long.

I want you to remember the good things. I know that it might not seem like it, but those good things DO exist like:

Bernise’s food and how it’s always yummy even if it’s just a simple sandwich.

Erika and Cat. Cat licks you and she likes to be petted on her head. Erika will go along with whatever you want and she will pretend not to like it but you know she will always do it because she really loves you.

Grammie and everything about her. She loves you very much even though you don’t always choose to see it.

You’re going to go see Mockingjay part 2 with Erika and the grandparents!! You have waited a long time for this and now it is only three days away!!

You only have to work a few hours on Black Friday! While most people have to work 12, 11, 10 hours you got off with just four.

You have friends like James and Jared and Angelica and Bernadette, who you might not talk to daily, but they’re there

Your family is all well.

Nico’s kisses.

Seeing Calloway at work.

Hanging out with Judy at work.

Those cat stickers you bought the other day.

All the funny people you like at work like Skylar, Jasmine, Katelyn, etc.

Grammie’s sweet tea- it’s always so good.

Mom’s homemade tortillas

The people who are actually nice to you at the store

The parents at school who are always so appreciative of all that you do.

Laughing so hard that you forget how sad you always are

Cuddling with your Despicable Me pillow and how warm and inviting your bed is and listening to Taylor Swift and falling asleep to your favorite songs.

How your mom makes you chamomile tea every single morning

You’re still alive. And breathing.

Things are tough, I know it honey. I know. But please stay strong. Please. I beg you. I know sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that you can’t breathe and sometimes your eyes run out of tears long before you run out of pain, but it will be okay.

You have so many people who love you and you have cat stickers and tea and books and candles. You can do it. Some days are just harder than others. You CAN make it out, I swear to you. I know that sometimes your eyes seem like they’ll never stop spilling tears. Sometimes you cry and no sound comes. Sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself to keep it together, but it’s so hard! Sometimes nothing is easy. Some days you just want to stop existing. You just want a break from it all. Sometimes dying sounds comforting. Sometimes you just don’t feel anything, and it’s scary but not bad because at least it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I know you try to stay strong, but you fail. It’s okay. Those are the times I want you to reread this letter and know that it is going to eventually be okay. I love you. I wish you would love yourself.

Brenda

Cashier Life

I started working as a cashier in May of the year 2014. I remember getting the call, and doing the interview. It would be a second job for me, so I kept thinking if I didn’t like it I didn’t have to stay. I ended up getting the job (crazy!) and began training on a rainy weekend the same month. I met another girl who I had gone to high school with and she kept telling me it’s not hard, but I had my doubts. I googled away and tried to remember every instance of interaction I had ever had with a cashier. To me, it was mostly scanning and bagging.

I was definitely NOT prepared for everything that came along with the job.

Many people think of cashiers as people with mediocre lives, low skills, perhaps low education. Let me be the one to tell you how untrue that is.

I have met every person in the one year I have worked as a cashier. I have met people with degrees, high school students, retirees, parents, single mothers, wives, husbands, students, and everything in between. I have heard stories, I have LIVED those stories along with them. Many have come and left and you never really know who’s going to be next. They come and go, but yet their stories have stayed with me.

The people I have met at this job have been some of the best people. They are all unique, they each have a story. There’s that mom working here as a second job to be able to afford her daughter’s rising medical bills. There’s that girl who’s a young Mom trying to make money to support her son. There’s that mom with 4 kids, one who is disabled, who needs to put food on the table. There’s that boy who is in college and needs just a little bit of spending money.
We’re all there for a reason, and that reason isn’t always money.

There’s that lady who lives with her dad and has never had a boyfriend, even though she’s in her late 30’s. There’s that older lady who retired a long time ago but couldn’t stand being at home doing nothing.
It’s all different.

So those are the coworkers.

The customers are another story. It’s a very similar story- you never really know what you’re going to get. Is this person having a bad day and are they going to yell at me because their coupon isn’t scanning? Is this lady going to keep thanking me for ringing her up quickly?

Every day is very different!

The first few weeks were spent getting acquainted with the things you’ll be spending more time with than your own home! Your keyboard, your hand-held scanner, your cash drawer, your coupon/money bag, receipt tape, pen for WIC and your water bottle! The first days of training for me were spent on a virtual cash register ringing up the same few items and learning all the different functions, codes, and situations that could arise in a typical shift.

That can include ANYTHING from an ad match to cashing a check to reloading a prepaid card/gift card to overriding an item with the wrong price. Or just learning all the different types of tenders and how to do each. Everything else you had to learn with experience.

So after the three days of virtual training not just on the virtual register, but also learning safety rules and other basic job requirements like back safety and fires and hazards, it’s time for your first day on the floor! Wear your blue shirt and khaki pants and don’t forget your badge! By now you have probably guessed where I worked, or if you know me, you already know.

I work for one of the biggest retailers around, so in terms of cashiering, I’ve pretty much seen it all.

The first few days you spend shadowing another experienced cashier. By experienced cashier I don’t necessarily mean someone with 40 plus years of experience, just someone with more experience than YOU. I still remember the three ladies who trained me, and I will probably never forget them. All of them are STILL there, and I see them often, and I enjoy talking to them. They are exceptional, hard-working women and I truly admire them!

Watching someone do the job is much easier than doing it yourself. I watched her for a few hours and when I came back they asked me if I was ready to do it myself. I panicked and said sure, because I’m a risk taker, god dang it! So there I go and I’m going SO slowly and everyone’s being so patient and I never realized how bar codes can be so sneaky! I checked out maybe three people and then I was done. But I had done it! Success!

I heard all the same old jokes these first couple of days. I laughed so hard and now I hear those same jokes and it’s like Dear God, help!

But back then they were hilarious and I had a good time. It was scary, but fun. So there I went, little ol’ Brenda, her first day on a register by herself! It was fine, I remember some tea lights wouldn’t ring up and the man decided he didn’t want to wait for me to figure it out so he just left them. Other than I that I don’t think I really messed up too much. I kept thinking I was giving out too much change or something. The pennies were hard to count!

Over the next few months I came across all the aforementioned situations and more! There is truly never a dull day in the life of a cashier. I don’t know if I can ever truly complain that it’s a boring job. Mindless maybe, but not boring.

In this job, I met some very nice people. People who had amazing stories, people who would talk your ear off and people who barely said a word. I saw old ladies who were so cheap they watched EVERY stroke of my wrist on the scanner and only spent 10$ or less. I watched husbands sigh and swipe their cards and give their wives a look when I told them the total. The wives would look at me for an understanding look, and I’d give it to them. Because why not?

I saw people who didn’t have enough money to pay for their purchases. Sometimes strangers would pay for them. I myself paid for a few people when I was able to. I watched mom who couldn’t afford to buy necessities because they were buying diapers.

I saw and felt every story.

A lot of days were forgotten for me throughout the years. Some stood out in my mind. I can tell you a lot, but there’s a lot more that was filtered out a long time ago.

So that’s the customers.

The managers/supervisors/other coworkers not cashiers

When I started working there we had a manager named Andy who was very, very nice. I never really dealt with him because I had no reason to, except for one time and it was because I had to call out of work due to a church commitment. So that was that. A few months after that, we switched managers. I really liked our new manager. He did things differently.

It took me awhile to get used to and to learn all our of CSMs’ names. By the time I wrote this, two have left or moved on, and we have a new one. These ladies are our backbone! They make sure we get our breaks and lunches, sometimes even pushing theirs back so we can have ours! They’re there when we need them, and so are we. I love all of them, even when we don’t get along. One of my CMS’s is very special to me- Judy. She is an incredible woman who I feel extremely lucky to have met. I want to take care of her FOREVER. If she lets me J

There were times when I got very frustrated with them. I didn’t understand, I guess. I know I wasn’t the only one. But most of the time we have a pretty good relationship.

Some of the problems I’ve dealt with are confusing availability, time-off requests, and excessive absences coachings.

All in good time J

If I could sum up my experience in one word it would be eventful. I do not lie when I say I have seen and learned more about life and myself working as a cashier than as anything else I could have done.

I’ve learned that some people are just bad people. Some people are good people. You can’t tell by looking at them. You tell by how they treat others and how they handle themselves. I’ve learned that there really are good people out there who care and who take the time to wish you a good day and mean it.

There’s also a small fraction of people who overreact.

I’ve learned patience, and if you know me at all you will know that this is HUGE for me. Patience is most definitely NOT my virtue. But I had to learn it.

Some of the weirder things that have happened include: dreams about scanning items, someone once ate a whole tub of cottage cheese, and just left the tub sitting there at self-check!! What!! WHO would do that?!

I’ve seen shoplifters, I’ve seen homeless people, and I’ve seen rich people spending 1,000 dollars at a time. I’ve seen children who have more money than I do. I’ve handled hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’ve worked ONE Black Thursday, one Christmas, and one New Year’s Day (so far).

I’ve seen people who are just crazy, others who are lonely, and others who are plain rude and disgusting.

I’ve seen so much and learned even more.

Being a cashier is so much more than standing behind a register scanning and bagging. It’s seeing the public at their worst. I never will understand why they think it’s ok to yell at a retail worker.

Some things I wish people would remember:
Don’t think of us as having no skills.

·        Please for crying out loud leave your 100-pound dog food and waters in your cart! I do NOT want to lift them!

·        Don’t throw things at me. I’m a human, not a dog.

·        We are trying our best, but with a big as store as ours, people don’t buy “just” a few things. They buy groceries for weeks. Please stop your “why can’t these damn cashiers speed it up?” comments. If you’re so ready to help, there is a job application in the back.

·        We are human, too. We need restroom and rest and lunch breaks.

·        If you have a family of 4 and you are all standing there watching me struggle to get your 10 packs of sodas in your cart, you’re the worst type of human!

·        PLEASE bag your produce. For the same reason that OTHER people don’t bag their meats. I don’t think you want chicken juices all over your greens.

·        It’s 2015, WHY are you paying with a check? It’s LITERALLY the same thing as a debit card, but faster!

·        Why in the world would you want me to bag your gallon of water? I don’t know if you realize but the flimsy bag will most likely break.

·        “You look like you need something to do” is a guaranteed way to make sure your eggs get cracked. Haha just kidding!

·        We are smart enough to know not to bag cleaning items with food. I promise. You don’t have to tell us.

·        Don’t expect us to greet you with a huge smile. After eight hours of fake smiling, even the happiest of people get tired. However, I do not condone rudeness. Even on the worst days of the job I still manage at least a “hello”.

·        Don’t talk on your phone while I’m ringing you up. That’s just rude.

·        If I think a bag will break, I will double bag it. DON’T feel the need to do it yourself, please.

·        If you’re shopping a basket, for crying out loud, take the stuff out and lay it on the belt. How lazy can you be!

Just some quick observations!

Life of a cashier include
Hurting feet

Hurting wrists

Always losing your pens

Finding random scratches and bruises like whatttt

Dreams about scanning items

Starting to recognize people and freaking out a little

When people recognized YOU outside the store you work at and freaking out a little

When people call you by your real name and you can’t remember if you know them or if they just glanced at your nametag. And freaking out a little.

Old men who hit on you. I could be your granddaughter!

Not being able to ring yourself up L

Seeing people buy cool stuff and then buying the same thing after your shift. Frosted animal crackers FTW.

The compulsion to open bags when you shop somewhere else.

Walking into a busy store and feeling bad for the staff.

SUNDAY RUSHES

When your feet hurt even though you’ve been standing for eight hours a day for MONTHS whaaat

Hurting knees

Hurting fingers and hands

Hurting back

Losing your divider and accidentally starting on someone else’s order and then they yell WAIT that’s not MINE and you’re like sorry due

Ringing up your teacher from sixth grade who saw how awkward you were at 12 years old

Ringing up cute boys you wish you could date

Ringing up people you know who are buying an embarrassing item like lube or yeast infection cream.

Wanting a piece of cake that someone’s buying.

Having to learn cigarette lingo to sell them, even though you’ve never smoked one in your life.

Selling alcoholic beverages yet not being able to buy them.

When all the self-checkout machines go crazy at once and there’s only one of you.

When people keep their baskets with them and you’re running out of space and Dear God, help.

When people don’t bag their meats and all the juices run over you and your scanner.

When you’re on a 20 or less lane and someone with 4,000 things comes up and says you don’t look busy therefore you should check them out and then someone with only one thing comes up and huff and puffs and gives you dirty looks and it’s like I’m sorry I didn’t ASK them come please don’t hate me.

When people forget stuff and have to go get it and make everyone wait

When people fill out their checks! Why!!!

When people try to do ridiculous ad matches. Who are you fooling?

When people tell you to “keep the change” and it’s 10 cents. Like oh yeah, I’m just going to go over there and buy a Ferrari with this.

When churchgoers bombard you with pamphlets about your salvation and you have to stand there and take them with a smile.

When people tell you to smile. Aaaaaarrg.

When you’re trying to close down and people keep coming to your line.

Lines in general.

Lines that are so long that your wonder if it will ever end.

When people’s cards won’t slide because they look like they’ve seen death and come back from it.

When people split the total and expect you to know what 145.67 divided by 3 is. Yeahhhh right.

When people put ONE thing in those big brown bags. Those things can hold a BUNCH!

People who have their own bags and stand there and watch you struggle.

People who don’t wash their reusable bags regularly. Blagh!

When people refuse to set their clothes on your belt because they’ll get dirty. Please, your shirt costs 5$ not 50$!

When the hanger won’t come out of things and it takes you awhile.

When men buy XXXL magnum condoms and smirk at you.

When kids spend 20 on gum and video games. Please, I want your life.

When kids are ruder to you than adults. Whaaa?

When you ring up your best friend and she makes you count her change back penny by penny.

When you drop change everywhere.

When you’re just trying to clean your belt between customers and people still come to you.

When you first open up and say “I can get someone over here” and no one moves.

When customers have bad BO and you have to keep a straight face.

When people buy a weird combination of items like 3 packs of lube, cucumbers, and the book Fifty Shades of Grey.

….just some insight into the cashier life!

Thoughts on turning 21!

Today is my 21st birthday! I was born exactly twenty-one years ago and it's so surreal! Not only because of how far I've come, but because I can't believe that I've been on this Earth for that long! Almost a quarter of a century! And with so much more to go. 

I was born a sickly child. They told my mom I probably wouldn't make it past age 1 or 2. I ended up making it past 2, but with many, many health problems. Not only did I endure polio when I was young, but also suffered a horrible fall which resulted in a severe concussion, stitches in two parts of my forehead, lifelong headaches, and very apparent scars. But that's childhood huh? :)
My childhood memories are mostly in Mexico. I remember playing with my cousins. I remember celebrating el dia de los reyes. I remember my grandmother. My aunts and uncles just barely. I mostly remember my brother Daniel, because he was my partner in crime growing up, up until we were teens. I worshipped the ground he walked on; I wanted to do everything he did. And I did. I was the only girl who had watched  Pokemon, Yu gi oh, and Dragon Ball-Z- because I did it with my brother. He convinced me to watch scary movies, and he taught me how to play on Expert level on Guitar Hero. I was a total tomboy growing up, because of my brother. 

Eventually, I found myself in 6th grade discovering eyeliner and blue eye shadow. Unfortunately no one taught me that blue eye shadow only looks good on hookers and clowns, so I am very sorry to anyone who knew me through that phase :) Thick black eyeliner was MY THING when I was around 12-14. Avril Lavigne was a big role model for me at the time. I really liked her punk princess look. I even dyed the bottom layer of my hair red when I was 13. My dad thought it looked like I had joined a gang. Oh well, Dad, it was my LIFE. 

I eventually came to my senses when I turned 14 and redid my hair in a normal brown color. I know, I know- what did I know. At 14, I thought I was grown up. I got a cake for my 14th birthday, and I remember being really sad that day because my "boyfriend" broke up with me. Stupid, stupid girl. 
At fifteen years old, you are considered a "woman" in the Hispanic culture. I didn't get the big party some girls do- I didn't want it- parties aren't my thing. Instead, my mom brought home a little tres leches cake from the Mexican tienda and my sister bought me a Quinceanera ring. It wasn't a huge deal to me. At the time, I was a freshmen in high school. I had started a "new" era in my life- new school, new friends, new me. I thought I knew it all. I didn't know anything. 
I met my now-best friend Erika when I was 15. Most of this time of my life was centered in or around school. 
By age 15, I had already been on my first date (at age 14 with this boy to see a movie. We held hands). I had my first kiss (age 14- same boy, same movie theater). And I had had my first love and heartbreak. I knew some, but not enough. 

When I turned 16, Erika brought a red velvet cake and princess plates to school and we ate it in the middle of lunch time with our friends Natalie and Alexis. It was really good. I was a Junior at this point. At 16 you can get your driver's license, but I still didn't know how to drive yet. I remember my 16th birthday as the birthday where I "grew up". I remember the day well-  me and my brother came home from school and we didn't have electricity! Yes. Apparently my parents had forgotten to pay the bill (or being an almost-adult now, they probably didn't have enough money to pay it probably). It was late October and cold, so we had to bear it. My pastor and his wife came and brought pizza and a coffee cake for me. We ate in the dark, using the light from my birthday candle. It made me grow up real quick.
At this time, I was dating a boy named Lucas who was a senior in high school. It eventually ended, but we stayed friends for a long time. At 16, I thought I was so smart. I knew NOTHING. 

When I turned 17, my sister had separated from her husband and moved in with us along with her five children. It was torture to a 17 year old. By 17, I had been driving for a few months. Didn't have much experience, but still it took me longer than most people my age. I was a junior in high school now, and my birthday was during a break from school in the fall of the year 2011. I had just broken up with my then-boyfriend Heston a few weeks ago, and of course my sister and her kids were invading my living space, so I wasn't very happy. That birthday was spent with a bunch of friends at this Chinese restaurant in town. We got the largest room and laughed and took pictures all night. Erika curled my hair and did my makeup and it was the first time I remember feeling absolutely beautiful. Nothing really changed when I turned 17, except that I realized I was closer to 18. 

Eighteen is where it's at. It's the birthday every kid looks forward to. Why? I guess you're now legally an adult. Legally, but definitely not mentally I'd say. My 18th birthday was on a Friday of the year 2012. I had already finished high school (I graduated early), and this particular day was bittersweet because on this same day, when I turned 18, my old childhood friend didn't get another year as she was killed in a car accident. RIP Caitlin. I still remember you and I remember your mom and all those Halloween parties from 4th and 5th grades. 
The rest of the day I was getting my passport, and then I spent some time with my best friend Erika. She was in her freshmen year of college by this point, so we ate lunch at J's (I had chicken parmesan) and then we went to Cookeville to a corn maze which was pretty cool. I don't remember half the people we went with, but I remember being extremely sick (I had a sinus infection). Nevertheless, I was another year older so it was worth it. 

About a month after I turned 18, I learned a hard lesson that I wish no one had to learn: heartbreak. I pulled through. Then I graduated high school in May. I finally gathered enough confidence in my driving skills to attempt my driver's license test and passed! I was now a licensed driver and a high school graduate! Now what? 
Now we start real life. 

Just a few months before turning 19, I started my first job at an automotive factory in my hometown. I hated it, but the money was good. Eventually I quit and was offered a job in the field I still currently am in now at 21. It was a learning experience for sure! Everyone was much older and much more educated! Some of these teachers had been teaching longer than I had been alive! Their children were my age or older and had kids of their own! I was in a new world completely. I have learned so much.

My 19th birthday was on a Saturday of the year 2013. Erika, Vincent, Natalie, and I celebrated by going to the zoo. It's what I wanted. It was SO much fun. We took lots of pictures and we ate at this really neat Chinese place and we spent hours browsing Opry Mills and then spent the night at a hotel in Cookeville watching a movie called Dino-croc vs Supergator. It was marvelous. We had breakfast at Steak-n-Shake the next day before driving back to town. 

By 19, I had a year of working experience under my belt. I had my own car, my own bank account, my own income. I had a life. An identity. I was kind of getting a sense of who I was and what mattered, but I was still learning. 

When I turned 20, I was working two jobs and I spent that day working at Walmart. It was on a Sunday so it was naturally crazy. I had a small party with my family the Friday before, and we had chicken and steak fajitas, beans, rice, salad, chips, salsa, and two birthday cakes. It was really neat. Didn't get to do much with friends, because at this point we were kind of all scattered around. But either way, it was fun. 

This brings me reflect on the year following that day. Since then, I am still working two jobs. Still me. Been through a few tough things that really made me grow up but yet I still have so much to go. 

I now have almost three years of working experience under my belt, my own car, my own (sometimes skinny) bank account, two jobs, I pay for my own gas and insurance and phone bill, I pay a bill for my parents, and sometimes I grocery shop! I set my own bedtime. 

And I can now legally buy wine- one of the things I love most in life. 

Life is glorious. Life is amazing. 

I spent my 21st birthday working. And an hour of it writing this. 

I'm thankful everyday for all my friends and family who have seen me to this day. I love you, Mom, for bringing me to the world 21 years ago and for taking care of me up until now. Thank you. You are my life, you are my world, you are the person who means everything and if I could choose you or anything else, I'd always pick you. 

Thank you to my siblings- especially my sister Adriana for going along with my crazy ideas every time. For letting me have my birthday dinners at your house. And for being there for me. I love you more than words can express. You have been there for me through thick and thin and am so proud to call you my sister. 

To my best friend Erika: I love you, man. I will never get tired of saying that to you. Never. You are the very definition of best friend and I can never thank God enough for allowing you to be mine. I could live to be a million years old and still that would never be enough time to spend with you laughing and being immature (even though we're now the same age- at least for a few weeks :)

Bernise- my second mom and work bestie- I love you! Thank you for the endless conversations about life and love and loss and food and co-workers and beyond! Your food is the stuff from gods and I could eat it for the rest of my life- each meal is NEVER a disappointment. I have a feeling you could literally throw anything together and it would still be the most amazing meal I could ever have. You have serious talents, girl. Thank you for making work-life bearable and for listening to me and helping me. You mean the world to me, and I hope we can stay friends for a long, long time. Your flan is to DIE FOR. Your sense of humor is impeccable, and nothing can be wrong when you're around. 

To my Grammy and Gramps- you are my rocks, my best friends, and the people I cherish in this life. I love you guys very much and I hope I can make you proud. 

To everyone else: You're the reason I'm able to get up and go at times when life is tough. 
Jared, you know everything, I'm sure of it. You make me laugh till my stomach hurts and I know I can count on you for a good laugh. Thank you for being Ashley A with us! Bernadette, your wisdom is something I treasure and I know we can always have a laugh together. You make the day go by quicker and thank God for your endless supply of closet stuff :) Youssef- my best friend who lives around the world (that might not be right, but you know I never was good at Geography)- you and I could talk for hours and then still have enough to say the next day. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for the laughs and smiles and all the things you teach me. Especially for going along with my hardware engineer story (sorry but I'm actually NOT a hardware engineer). 

Life is spectacular. Life is grand. And life is mine.