When you are a little girl everything and everyone treats you like a princess. What do all princesses have? Not horses. Or castles. Or jewels.
They all have princes- and they live happily ever after.
It's not anything unusual for girls as young as 10 to be planning their wedding and dreaming about their dream boy.
I was one of those girls.
My first crush was an African American boy in my 2nd grade class. I was around 7 years old and I don't know why I liked him. I think he just stood out as being different and he was noticeable.
Before long, I was 15 and having my first boyfriend. I know, I know. I was a late arriver to the dating scene. Had I known this would affect me much later as an adult, I would have embraced it wholeheartedly.
But it did nothing but plunge my self-esteem into the dark depths of murky water below freezing temperatures.
It's not that boys weren't interested in me, it's that it never went anywhere.
The first boy who I went on a date with was a little older than me. Not by much, but he LOOKED older on the account that was almost 6' tall. I had to stand on chairs to be able to hug him. He was sweet. He liked me. He said nice things to me. I liked the attention.
After him, the boys that wanted me were all pubescent, hormonal messes who I had no interest in. At around this point, I started to realize how uninterested I was in relationships. I didn't like having to always be thinking of someone in the back of my mind. How everything you did could affect them. I did like having someone there for me, and I liked the attention and love and affection and validation that I was loved. But the rest of it- it wasn't appealing to me. I started serial-dating as I liked to call it. I had flings. Those flings often became super serious. Like LOVE serious. Thinking about my first love still sends shivers down my spine. Of all the boys I could tell you about, there is just something in common with all of them: they were ALL short-lived. I didn't like to stick around for that long. Or maybe they didn't. Who knows. I've learned it takes 2 people to make a relationship work so I won't blame it all on them, but I also won't take 100% of the blame either.
When I was 18, I fell in love. Deep, plunging, burning red, love. It was amazing. To this day I still consider this man to be the very first man who ever truly loved me and who I wholly and truly loved. It was short-lived of course- the romance. Because of a lot of reasons, but NOT because the love left. The friendship that was left continued on for several more years. It was great. Until it wasn't. I decided that I didn't like what he was giving me anymore. It wasn't enough for me, and I was brave enough to walk away. It was a hard decision- one that burnt my throat and left me empty and shattered. I needed to leave though, because staying would have been harder.
After him, came another man. He was six years older than me. It was during this time that I made a choice. I would NOT base my worth or happiness on a man. I didn't NEED a man to complete me. Only I (and God) complete me. So really, if I do end up getting married, well then great! I hope it's to someone who makes me laugh and who loves and protects me and who encourages me to be nothing else but who I am. A man who will lift me up not just emotionally, but also spiritually. He will kiss my nose in the morning and he will call me cute names. His laugh will cure every piece of broken trust in my heart. His smile will alleviate the scars of all the shatters left behind by others who were not enough to love me. He will give me children, and he will never want to give up on our love. We might not like each other 24/7 but love will be around forever. We will work through everything together.
I can't wait to meet you, future spouse. I can't wait to feel your warmth next to me as we sleep. I can't wait to kiss your lips on a 7am Sunday morning and watch the sunlight illuminate your hair against the pillow. I can't wait to be among our loved ones and glance over and catch your eye and have my heart skip a beat. I can't wait to see you at your highest, but also at your lowest.
The thing is, I CAN wait. Until I'm ready. Until YOU'RE ready. Until God is ready for us to meet.
If it doesn't happen, then that's okay too. I will live for myself and for no one else but my God. And that's perfectly fine. Until then, I'm with me. Whoever that is. :)
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
On your 23rd birthday
I met you when you were 19 years old. I was 18 and not even close to grown up.
I am now 21, almost 22, and today is your 23rd birthday.
We stopped talking over a year ago. It was a mutual decision that brought forth not only sorrow and grief- but also joy and contentment and peace- something we had not had for a long time.
When we met it was like magic. My life changed. You were like the sun- bright and shiny and warm. You brought laughter and you brought joy and you brought confidence. From the beginning you were so sure of yourself, and I absolutely loved that. I craved that kind of feeling in someone.
What we had was quick and intense. It was brief, but real. It was great, but sad. It was love, but it hurt.
I will never regret what we went through because I honestly believe to this day that we had something real. Life got in the way. You needed to finish school, you needed to focus on it.
There was too much in the way of what we had. Too many disappointments and tears and heartbreak. Too many broken promises and misspoken words and mismatched actions.
We had so much and yet nothing at the same time. It was like a light went on, but another burnt out.
It was an emotional roller coaster that we both needed to get off of.
I will always love you. There is no doubt about that. Even though we have not exchanged words in over a year, there is not a day that goes by where you do not appear in my life. I might not think about you everyday, but you're everywhere I look. You're engraved in me forever because I gave you so much of myself when we were together that I don't ever think we'll be able to tear the pieces of each other out of ourselves. I think we will always be intertwined. And i'm okay with that. It took me a long time to come to terms, but I did and life went on for both of us.
I want to wish you a happy birthday, dear friend, because I am completely and honestly happy for you. I wish you NOTHING but the best and I hope you are able to achieve all the goals you had for yourself and beyond. I hope you never forget who you are and what you mean to all the people who love you. I hope you know that I would give anything to be able to see you be happy. You were at one time one of the most important people in my life, and I will never forget you. You scarred me. You broke me down into a million pieces and then scattered the pieces over the world. You took me and you broke my soul. You broke my heart. You took a knife straight to my heart- time and time again.
You also loved me and lifted me up. You told me I was beautiful at 2am and you whispered that you loved me at 7am when the sun was rising and a new day was starting and you were there everyday. You looked at me with admiration and you listened to every hope and dream and fear I had. You held my hand and gave me strength when I had none left. You kissed the scars and you understood me more than I ever understood myself. You let me be me, and you laughed along with me when I messed up and you taught me things I will never forget.
I love you. I always will. Happy 23rd birthday. I hope it's a great one.
Love,
Brenda
I am now 21, almost 22, and today is your 23rd birthday.
We stopped talking over a year ago. It was a mutual decision that brought forth not only sorrow and grief- but also joy and contentment and peace- something we had not had for a long time.
When we met it was like magic. My life changed. You were like the sun- bright and shiny and warm. You brought laughter and you brought joy and you brought confidence. From the beginning you were so sure of yourself, and I absolutely loved that. I craved that kind of feeling in someone.
What we had was quick and intense. It was brief, but real. It was great, but sad. It was love, but it hurt.
I will never regret what we went through because I honestly believe to this day that we had something real. Life got in the way. You needed to finish school, you needed to focus on it.
There was too much in the way of what we had. Too many disappointments and tears and heartbreak. Too many broken promises and misspoken words and mismatched actions.
We had so much and yet nothing at the same time. It was like a light went on, but another burnt out.
It was an emotional roller coaster that we both needed to get off of.
I will always love you. There is no doubt about that. Even though we have not exchanged words in over a year, there is not a day that goes by where you do not appear in my life. I might not think about you everyday, but you're everywhere I look. You're engraved in me forever because I gave you so much of myself when we were together that I don't ever think we'll be able to tear the pieces of each other out of ourselves. I think we will always be intertwined. And i'm okay with that. It took me a long time to come to terms, but I did and life went on for both of us.
I want to wish you a happy birthday, dear friend, because I am completely and honestly happy for you. I wish you NOTHING but the best and I hope you are able to achieve all the goals you had for yourself and beyond. I hope you never forget who you are and what you mean to all the people who love you. I hope you know that I would give anything to be able to see you be happy. You were at one time one of the most important people in my life, and I will never forget you. You scarred me. You broke me down into a million pieces and then scattered the pieces over the world. You took me and you broke my soul. You broke my heart. You took a knife straight to my heart- time and time again.
You also loved me and lifted me up. You told me I was beautiful at 2am and you whispered that you loved me at 7am when the sun was rising and a new day was starting and you were there everyday. You looked at me with admiration and you listened to every hope and dream and fear I had. You held my hand and gave me strength when I had none left. You kissed the scars and you understood me more than I ever understood myself. You let me be me, and you laughed along with me when I messed up and you taught me things I will never forget.
I love you. I always will. Happy 23rd birthday. I hope it's a great one.
Love,
Brenda
Thursday, April 7, 2016
On working, life, and growing up
I want to talk today about my experience as a non-traditional student and working gal!
I graduated high school in May 2013 (that's 3 years ago!). While most of my fellow graduates went on to college, others got married and had children, and still others went on to move to other towns and pursue their hobbies, I merely stayed in my hometown and hung around. I couldn't afford to travel on a big, lavish trip like some of my friends. For me, the day after graduation was just another normal Saturday. I was pretty tired because I had stayed up pretty late that Friday. It was very normal.
Starting in 8th grade, they drill into your brain that you MUST go to college. It's A NECESSITY. If you don't go to college you are a FAILURE.
I do NOT agree with this.
I believe that it's a personal choice. Sure, there are statistics out there that say college graduates make 78% (I've made this number up) more money than non-graduates. But then again, look at people like college dropout Mark Zuckerburg- he's a billionaire. And yes, there's a one-in-a-gazillion chance that we'll too become billionaires, but if Zuckerburg's experiences tell us ANYTHING it's that if we pursue our true dreams, then we can achieve success by our own measures.
So yes, my take on the issue is: pursue your dreams. If that's college, sure, if it's taking 3 years off to go on a sabbatical in Thailand, go for it. Just be realistic. Because at the end of your life, I highly doubt anyone looks back and wishes they'd gotten a degree instead of starting a family. Or sat hours in a classroom when they could have been seeing the Grand Canyon.
Life is short, for goodness sake just do what you want!
Moving on, I want to talk about my own experiences growing up.
The night shift life was NOT fun. I'd be getting home by 5:30am and in bed by 6am. I'd get up around 1pm or 2pm to use the bathroom, then fall asleep again until around 5pm when I'd eat dinner and shower and start getting ready for work again. I'd leave home by 6:30 pm and get to the factory at 6:45ish. By the time I clocked in and made it to the back to my post, it'd be 7. We had a break around 9:15. Most of my coworkers smoked, so I'd just go back there with them and sit outside just to get out of the hot, paint fumes from the station next to us.
We make our own way.
Soon after high school, I realized I needed to do something with myself. I'd had my break, now I was just laying around the house being unproductive. I knew I didn't want to go to college just yet, so I decided to get a job. I applied at a lot of retail facilities and even thought about doing CNA classes.
Towards the middle of July, the only place who had called me back and offered me a job was an automotive factory. I accepted and started in a few days. I would be working the night shift- 7pm to 4am, sometimes 6am.
It was HORRIBLE.
The place was huge, hot, smelly, loud, and just generally depressing. My job wasn't too bad, just hanging parts on a rack for painting, then sorting the parts once they came back from Paint. It was a boring job, but an easy one for my very first job. I soon learned that this was not something I was interested in. After just a few hours of hanging L and R parts, I was overcome with this intense feeling that I'd rather be doing ANYTHING else other than this. My coworkers were super nice and helpful, the pay was awesome, and I got the weekends off, but the job itself was purely sad.
Lunch was at 11pm. The cafeteria had yummy food and I mostly ate burgers and one day they had breakfast for dinner. It was weird, eating at midnight. My body was super confused. We'd go back to work and had another break around 1am or so. This was my favorite time because we'd go outside and it was usually very cool. The stars were out and the world seemed dead- yet life went on for us in the factory. We were wide awake while everyone else was fast asleep. It was strange.
Work was over at 4am, unless we hadn't reached our goal that night and our team leader decided we needed to stay.
This happened almost every night, so I'd end up getting home by 6:30ish and asleep by 7am.
About a week into my personal hell, a friend of mine told me about a job opening where she worked as a translator. I applied and was offered an interview.
I got the job! So just 2 months after getting out of school for 12 years straight, I was going right back to the school calendar/schedule.
I love my job for the most part. This fall I will be starting my 4th year! It's truly been an amazing job where I have learned many new things and have grown as a person.
So yeah, I didn't follow the path everyone else did. So what?
I'm fine with that.
I graduated high school in May 2013 (that's 3 years ago!). While most of my fellow graduates went on to college, others got married and had children, and still others went on to move to other towns and pursue their hobbies, I merely stayed in my hometown and hung around. I couldn't afford to travel on a big, lavish trip like some of my friends. For me, the day after graduation was just another normal Saturday. I was pretty tired because I had stayed up pretty late that Friday. It was very normal.
Starting in 8th grade, they drill into your brain that you MUST go to college. It's A NECESSITY. If you don't go to college you are a FAILURE.
I do NOT agree with this.
I believe that it's a personal choice. Sure, there are statistics out there that say college graduates make 78% (I've made this number up) more money than non-graduates. But then again, look at people like college dropout Mark Zuckerburg- he's a billionaire. And yes, there's a one-in-a-gazillion chance that we'll too become billionaires, but if Zuckerburg's experiences tell us ANYTHING it's that if we pursue our true dreams, then we can achieve success by our own measures.
So yes, my take on the issue is: pursue your dreams. If that's college, sure, if it's taking 3 years off to go on a sabbatical in Thailand, go for it. Just be realistic. Because at the end of your life, I highly doubt anyone looks back and wishes they'd gotten a degree instead of starting a family. Or sat hours in a classroom when they could have been seeing the Grand Canyon.
Life is short, for goodness sake just do what you want!
Moving on, I want to talk about my own experiences growing up.
The night shift life was NOT fun. I'd be getting home by 5:30am and in bed by 6am. I'd get up around 1pm or 2pm to use the bathroom, then fall asleep again until around 5pm when I'd eat dinner and shower and start getting ready for work again. I'd leave home by 6:30 pm and get to the factory at 6:45ish. By the time I clocked in and made it to the back to my post, it'd be 7. We had a break around 9:15. Most of my coworkers smoked, so I'd just go back there with them and sit outside just to get out of the hot, paint fumes from the station next to us.
We make our own way.
Soon after high school, I realized I needed to do something with myself. I'd had my break, now I was just laying around the house being unproductive. I knew I didn't want to go to college just yet, so I decided to get a job. I applied at a lot of retail facilities and even thought about doing CNA classes.
Towards the middle of July, the only place who had called me back and offered me a job was an automotive factory. I accepted and started in a few days. I would be working the night shift- 7pm to 4am, sometimes 6am.
It was HORRIBLE.
The place was huge, hot, smelly, loud, and just generally depressing. My job wasn't too bad, just hanging parts on a rack for painting, then sorting the parts once they came back from Paint. It was a boring job, but an easy one for my very first job. I soon learned that this was not something I was interested in. After just a few hours of hanging L and R parts, I was overcome with this intense feeling that I'd rather be doing ANYTHING else other than this. My coworkers were super nice and helpful, the pay was awesome, and I got the weekends off, but the job itself was purely sad.
Lunch was at 11pm. The cafeteria had yummy food and I mostly ate burgers and one day they had breakfast for dinner. It was weird, eating at midnight. My body was super confused. We'd go back to work and had another break around 1am or so. This was my favorite time because we'd go outside and it was usually very cool. The stars were out and the world seemed dead- yet life went on for us in the factory. We were wide awake while everyone else was fast asleep. It was strange.
Work was over at 4am, unless we hadn't reached our goal that night and our team leader decided we needed to stay.
This happened almost every night, so I'd end up getting home by 6:30ish and asleep by 7am.
About a week into my personal hell, a friend of mine told me about a job opening where she worked as a translator. I applied and was offered an interview.
I got the job! So just 2 months after getting out of school for 12 years straight, I was going right back to the school calendar/schedule.
I love my job for the most part. This fall I will be starting my 4th year! It's truly been an amazing job where I have learned many new things and have grown as a person.
So yeah, I didn't follow the path everyone else did. So what?
I'm fine with that.
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