You.

It's been 10 days since we last exchanged words. Ten. Doesn't seem like a lot to the common person. But to me it has been a thousand lifetimes. I miss your voice. I miss your fucking voice like I miss being able to breathe during an asthma attack. I miss your laugh. I miss hearing it in my ears and getting butterflies. I would do anything to be able to hear that laugh again. I miss you so much that it hurts to think about you. I try not to, but you are always on my mind. There are so many things I want to tell you, but can't. I just can't.
Do you miss me, too?
Do you still love me?
Do you think about me or did you already forget about me?
I wish I could apologize in a way that would make you forget the pain I caused you. I wish we could start over.
What I would give to be able to talk to you again.
What do we do? Do we give it time? I'm so scared of losing you, yet I fight myself to force myself out of your life. Ten days. I remember back when we used to not talk for just one day or two and you'd message me and say you missed me. I wonder if it's killing you to not talk to me, too. I think it is. But I also understand, because I'm there right now too. I'm sorry. I am. I miss you. Please. Come back. I love you! You took my heart and I just want you back. You can keep the heart. I just want you. I swear I can be a better person. I swear we can do this. We have already gotten through so much- please, I promise we can get through this, too. Together. 'Cause I love you and you love me and I know we can have it all. I love you so damn much- more than I've loved anyone in a long, long time. You are such an amazing, patient, man. And you deserve more than me, but I'm too selfish and I still only want you for myself.
I wish you could be happy. I miss you. Please.

An Open Letter to Myself

An open letter to myself on those “tough days”:

Dear Brenda,

I am going to write you something and I’m going to write it to you, but I’m going to write to you as if you were someone I am trying to help. I want you to know it’s going to be okay. It will. It might not feel like it right now, but it will. I want you to know that I know it’s hard. It hurts. Everything seems too bright and overwhelming. Everyone wants too much from you. Everyone expects you to do more than you think you can, but you CAN do it! You HAVE done it, day after day. Even on those days when you wanted nothing but to sit in the bathroom and cry your eyes out. Even on those days when getting out of bed seemed close to impossible. Do you remember that last year? You didn’t even know you were struggling with depression yet you managed to get out of bed and come to work every day. And if that’s not something to be proud of, then I don’t know what is.

Do you remember how heavy your legs felt? Do you remember the dread of  hearing that alarm in the morning, dragging you from the only peace you knew? Dragging you from the escape you had from the despair?

But you fought it. You are a warrior.

You are strong and brave.

You can do it.

It doesn’t feel like it right now, I know baby girl. I know. I know that things suck. I know that Youssef hates you right now and you keep fighting yourself to go back to him, but yet you stay away so you can’t hurt him anymore. It’s better that way. If you’re far away from him, you can’t harm him. Not anymore. He can be happy far far away from you, like every other boy you’ve ever destroyed or who has destroyed you.

I know you are stressed about money. I know that there isn’t enough and you’re so goddamned tired of working two jobs day and night. I know you long to come home after a long day at work and just go for a walk and relax, but no- the cashier struggle is there. I know that you have all sorts of debts piling up. I know that you want to throw up at the thought of them, but I want you to know how proud I am of you for almost finishing paying off your car. Month after month your payment was there. And yes, sometimes you couldn’t afford to go out with your friends or to buy yourself something new, but as of now you have a roof on your head and your parents are alive and well and so are your siblings and you have these great friends and a great job with awesome coworkers. You are so lucky. Please don’t forget it.

I know your thoughts are dark and stormy. I know you question your life every single time you open your eyes in the morning. I know you ask yourself if it is worth it.

I know your car is not working right and it could cost a lot of money to fix it.

I know that you would give anything to be able to have someone love you like you love them.

I know that therapy appointments are piling up and you keep finding things wrong with you and it’s so sad. But you are you and people love you so it might not be as bad as you think you are.

I know that you are stressed about work and all the people who are mean to you at the register. I know that the lady from the other day was so rude, but all you could do was smile and thank her for shopping at your store, because that is your job.

I know all you wanted was to tell her the truth of all of it, and mostly just make her realize how bad her attitude was.

I know all of that, baby girl. I know.

Life is so tough. Life is so hard. But you are tougher.

I want you to believe that, no matter how hard things are right now.

I know you’re worried. I know your 20s are happening and you still haven’t found a career path you want. I know that right now all you care about is making enough money to make it to the next damn month. But that is no way to live. I know you’re worried about your parents. They’re getting older and less able to work. I know you want to go to college, but are afraid that your mental illness will interfere. I know you’re scared you won’t be able to afford it.

I know you’re worried about your sister and being a single mom. I know you worry about your niece and how she is going to be able to make it through high school and all its pressures. I know you worry about your nieces and nephews and their lives.

I know you worry about Erika and her life. I know that you want her to do the best and you want her to do it with or without you. I know you love her far more than you love yourself and how you think that will never be enough. I know you want her to keep going to church, even on the days you just can’t because moving seems impossible and talking to other people makes you want to run and hide. That’s your depression talking, honey, so don’t be so hard on yourself.

I know you worry about her mom and how she’ll handle Juan moving out. I know you love her very much and you always want the best for all them, and how you wish Juan would realize how much this will affect the only mother he will truly know.

I know you worry about Grammy and her dad and his girlfriend. I know you worry about her when she worries about you. You pretend you are fine, but she knows you are not. You know that she prays for you, and you wish to God you could have the motivation to pray for her, too. But sometimes even moving takes too much effort and you can’t do anything but sit there and stare blankly at the wall. You just feel like you can’t.

I know you’re worried about your brother and his life. Why does he drink so much? He’s working so hard, you hope he takes a break soon or he might end up on antidepressants for anxiety like you are. You hope he’s careful because you love him and want him to be safe and healthy.

I know you are worried about church and how you haven’t been going like you should. How you don’t want to answer James’ phone calls and how you feel like a disappointment because like he said, he can only do his part and you have to do yours. But you just can’t. It’s too much.

I know you’re worried about all those things and more.

But honey, you’re doing just fine.

Can you see that?

Can you feel that?

That’s God. He’s always been there. Go to Him. Let Him comfort you. I know you haven’t prayed in who-knows-how-long.

I want you to remember the good things. I know that it might not seem like it, but those good things DO exist like:

Bernise’s food and how it’s always yummy even if it’s just a simple sandwich.

Erika and Cat. Cat licks you and she likes to be petted on her head. Erika will go along with whatever you want and she will pretend not to like it but you know she will always do it because she really loves you.

Grammie and everything about her. She loves you very much even though you don’t always choose to see it.

You’re going to go see Mockingjay part 2 with Erika and the grandparents!! You have waited a long time for this and now it is only three days away!!

You only have to work a few hours on Black Friday! While most people have to work 12, 11, 10 hours you got off with just four.

You have friends like James and Jared and Angelica and Bernadette, who you might not talk to daily, but they’re there

Your family is all well.

Nico’s kisses.

Seeing Calloway at work.

Hanging out with Judy at work.

Those cat stickers you bought the other day.

All the funny people you like at work like Skylar, Jasmine, Katelyn, etc.

Grammie’s sweet tea- it’s always so good.

Mom’s homemade tortillas

The people who are actually nice to you at the store

The parents at school who are always so appreciative of all that you do.

Laughing so hard that you forget how sad you always are

Cuddling with your Despicable Me pillow and how warm and inviting your bed is and listening to Taylor Swift and falling asleep to your favorite songs.

How your mom makes you chamomile tea every single morning

You’re still alive. And breathing.

Things are tough, I know it honey. I know. But please stay strong. Please. I beg you. I know sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that you can’t breathe and sometimes your eyes run out of tears long before you run out of pain, but it will be okay.

You have so many people who love you and you have cat stickers and tea and books and candles. You can do it. Some days are just harder than others. You CAN make it out, I swear to you. I know that sometimes your eyes seem like they’ll never stop spilling tears. Sometimes you cry and no sound comes. Sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself to keep it together, but it’s so hard! Sometimes nothing is easy. Some days you just want to stop existing. You just want a break from it all. Sometimes dying sounds comforting. Sometimes you just don’t feel anything, and it’s scary but not bad because at least it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I know you try to stay strong, but you fail. It’s okay. Those are the times I want you to reread this letter and know that it is going to eventually be okay. I love you. I wish you would love yourself.

Brenda

Cashier Life

I started working as a cashier in May of the year 2014. I remember getting the call, and doing the interview. It would be a second job for me, so I kept thinking if I didn’t like it I didn’t have to stay. I ended up getting the job (crazy!) and began training on a rainy weekend the same month. I met another girl who I had gone to high school with and she kept telling me it’s not hard, but I had my doubts. I googled away and tried to remember every instance of interaction I had ever had with a cashier. To me, it was mostly scanning and bagging.

I was definitely NOT prepared for everything that came along with the job.

Many people think of cashiers as people with mediocre lives, low skills, perhaps low education. Let me be the one to tell you how untrue that is.

I have met every person in the one year I have worked as a cashier. I have met people with degrees, high school students, retirees, parents, single mothers, wives, husbands, students, and everything in between. I have heard stories, I have LIVED those stories along with them. Many have come and left and you never really know who’s going to be next. They come and go, but yet their stories have stayed with me.

The people I have met at this job have been some of the best people. They are all unique, they each have a story. There’s that mom working here as a second job to be able to afford her daughter’s rising medical bills. There’s that girl who’s a young Mom trying to make money to support her son. There’s that mom with 4 kids, one who is disabled, who needs to put food on the table. There’s that boy who is in college and needs just a little bit of spending money.
We’re all there for a reason, and that reason isn’t always money.

There’s that lady who lives with her dad and has never had a boyfriend, even though she’s in her late 30’s. There’s that older lady who retired a long time ago but couldn’t stand being at home doing nothing.
It’s all different.

So those are the coworkers.

The customers are another story. It’s a very similar story- you never really know what you’re going to get. Is this person having a bad day and are they going to yell at me because their coupon isn’t scanning? Is this lady going to keep thanking me for ringing her up quickly?

Every day is very different!

The first few weeks were spent getting acquainted with the things you’ll be spending more time with than your own home! Your keyboard, your hand-held scanner, your cash drawer, your coupon/money bag, receipt tape, pen for WIC and your water bottle! The first days of training for me were spent on a virtual cash register ringing up the same few items and learning all the different functions, codes, and situations that could arise in a typical shift.

That can include ANYTHING from an ad match to cashing a check to reloading a prepaid card/gift card to overriding an item with the wrong price. Or just learning all the different types of tenders and how to do each. Everything else you had to learn with experience.

So after the three days of virtual training not just on the virtual register, but also learning safety rules and other basic job requirements like back safety and fires and hazards, it’s time for your first day on the floor! Wear your blue shirt and khaki pants and don’t forget your badge! By now you have probably guessed where I worked, or if you know me, you already know.

I work for one of the biggest retailers around, so in terms of cashiering, I’ve pretty much seen it all.

The first few days you spend shadowing another experienced cashier. By experienced cashier I don’t necessarily mean someone with 40 plus years of experience, just someone with more experience than YOU. I still remember the three ladies who trained me, and I will probably never forget them. All of them are STILL there, and I see them often, and I enjoy talking to them. They are exceptional, hard-working women and I truly admire them!

Watching someone do the job is much easier than doing it yourself. I watched her for a few hours and when I came back they asked me if I was ready to do it myself. I panicked and said sure, because I’m a risk taker, god dang it! So there I go and I’m going SO slowly and everyone’s being so patient and I never realized how bar codes can be so sneaky! I checked out maybe three people and then I was done. But I had done it! Success!

I heard all the same old jokes these first couple of days. I laughed so hard and now I hear those same jokes and it’s like Dear God, help!

But back then they were hilarious and I had a good time. It was scary, but fun. So there I went, little ol’ Brenda, her first day on a register by herself! It was fine, I remember some tea lights wouldn’t ring up and the man decided he didn’t want to wait for me to figure it out so he just left them. Other than I that I don’t think I really messed up too much. I kept thinking I was giving out too much change or something. The pennies were hard to count!

Over the next few months I came across all the aforementioned situations and more! There is truly never a dull day in the life of a cashier. I don’t know if I can ever truly complain that it’s a boring job. Mindless maybe, but not boring.

In this job, I met some very nice people. People who had amazing stories, people who would talk your ear off and people who barely said a word. I saw old ladies who were so cheap they watched EVERY stroke of my wrist on the scanner and only spent 10$ or less. I watched husbands sigh and swipe their cards and give their wives a look when I told them the total. The wives would look at me for an understanding look, and I’d give it to them. Because why not?

I saw people who didn’t have enough money to pay for their purchases. Sometimes strangers would pay for them. I myself paid for a few people when I was able to. I watched mom who couldn’t afford to buy necessities because they were buying diapers.

I saw and felt every story.

A lot of days were forgotten for me throughout the years. Some stood out in my mind. I can tell you a lot, but there’s a lot more that was filtered out a long time ago.

So that’s the customers.

The managers/supervisors/other coworkers not cashiers

When I started working there we had a manager named Andy who was very, very nice. I never really dealt with him because I had no reason to, except for one time and it was because I had to call out of work due to a church commitment. So that was that. A few months after that, we switched managers. I really liked our new manager. He did things differently.

It took me awhile to get used to and to learn all our of CSMs’ names. By the time I wrote this, two have left or moved on, and we have a new one. These ladies are our backbone! They make sure we get our breaks and lunches, sometimes even pushing theirs back so we can have ours! They’re there when we need them, and so are we. I love all of them, even when we don’t get along. One of my CMS’s is very special to me- Judy. She is an incredible woman who I feel extremely lucky to have met. I want to take care of her FOREVER. If she lets me J

There were times when I got very frustrated with them. I didn’t understand, I guess. I know I wasn’t the only one. But most of the time we have a pretty good relationship.

Some of the problems I’ve dealt with are confusing availability, time-off requests, and excessive absences coachings.

All in good time J

If I could sum up my experience in one word it would be eventful. I do not lie when I say I have seen and learned more about life and myself working as a cashier than as anything else I could have done.

I’ve learned that some people are just bad people. Some people are good people. You can’t tell by looking at them. You tell by how they treat others and how they handle themselves. I’ve learned that there really are good people out there who care and who take the time to wish you a good day and mean it.

There’s also a small fraction of people who overreact.

I’ve learned patience, and if you know me at all you will know that this is HUGE for me. Patience is most definitely NOT my virtue. But I had to learn it.

Some of the weirder things that have happened include: dreams about scanning items, someone once ate a whole tub of cottage cheese, and just left the tub sitting there at self-check!! What!! WHO would do that?!

I’ve seen shoplifters, I’ve seen homeless people, and I’ve seen rich people spending 1,000 dollars at a time. I’ve seen children who have more money than I do. I’ve handled hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’ve worked ONE Black Thursday, one Christmas, and one New Year’s Day (so far).

I’ve seen people who are just crazy, others who are lonely, and others who are plain rude and disgusting.

I’ve seen so much and learned even more.

Being a cashier is so much more than standing behind a register scanning and bagging. It’s seeing the public at their worst. I never will understand why they think it’s ok to yell at a retail worker.

Some things I wish people would remember:
Don’t think of us as having no skills.

·        Please for crying out loud leave your 100-pound dog food and waters in your cart! I do NOT want to lift them!

·        Don’t throw things at me. I’m a human, not a dog.

·        We are trying our best, but with a big as store as ours, people don’t buy “just” a few things. They buy groceries for weeks. Please stop your “why can’t these damn cashiers speed it up?” comments. If you’re so ready to help, there is a job application in the back.

·        We are human, too. We need restroom and rest and lunch breaks.

·        If you have a family of 4 and you are all standing there watching me struggle to get your 10 packs of sodas in your cart, you’re the worst type of human!

·        PLEASE bag your produce. For the same reason that OTHER people don’t bag their meats. I don’t think you want chicken juices all over your greens.

·        It’s 2015, WHY are you paying with a check? It’s LITERALLY the same thing as a debit card, but faster!

·        Why in the world would you want me to bag your gallon of water? I don’t know if you realize but the flimsy bag will most likely break.

·        “You look like you need something to do” is a guaranteed way to make sure your eggs get cracked. Haha just kidding!

·        We are smart enough to know not to bag cleaning items with food. I promise. You don’t have to tell us.

·        Don’t expect us to greet you with a huge smile. After eight hours of fake smiling, even the happiest of people get tired. However, I do not condone rudeness. Even on the worst days of the job I still manage at least a “hello”.

·        Don’t talk on your phone while I’m ringing you up. That’s just rude.

·        If I think a bag will break, I will double bag it. DON’T feel the need to do it yourself, please.

·        If you’re shopping a basket, for crying out loud, take the stuff out and lay it on the belt. How lazy can you be!

Just some quick observations!

Life of a cashier include
Hurting feet

Hurting wrists

Always losing your pens

Finding random scratches and bruises like whatttt

Dreams about scanning items

Starting to recognize people and freaking out a little

When people recognized YOU outside the store you work at and freaking out a little

When people call you by your real name and you can’t remember if you know them or if they just glanced at your nametag. And freaking out a little.

Old men who hit on you. I could be your granddaughter!

Not being able to ring yourself up L

Seeing people buy cool stuff and then buying the same thing after your shift. Frosted animal crackers FTW.

The compulsion to open bags when you shop somewhere else.

Walking into a busy store and feeling bad for the staff.

SUNDAY RUSHES

When your feet hurt even though you’ve been standing for eight hours a day for MONTHS whaaat

Hurting knees

Hurting fingers and hands

Hurting back

Losing your divider and accidentally starting on someone else’s order and then they yell WAIT that’s not MINE and you’re like sorry due

Ringing up your teacher from sixth grade who saw how awkward you were at 12 years old

Ringing up cute boys you wish you could date

Ringing up people you know who are buying an embarrassing item like lube or yeast infection cream.

Wanting a piece of cake that someone’s buying.

Having to learn cigarette lingo to sell them, even though you’ve never smoked one in your life.

Selling alcoholic beverages yet not being able to buy them.

When all the self-checkout machines go crazy at once and there’s only one of you.

When people keep their baskets with them and you’re running out of space and Dear God, help.

When people don’t bag their meats and all the juices run over you and your scanner.

When you’re on a 20 or less lane and someone with 4,000 things comes up and says you don’t look busy therefore you should check them out and then someone with only one thing comes up and huff and puffs and gives you dirty looks and it’s like I’m sorry I didn’t ASK them come please don’t hate me.

When people forget stuff and have to go get it and make everyone wait

When people fill out their checks! Why!!!

When people try to do ridiculous ad matches. Who are you fooling?

When people tell you to “keep the change” and it’s 10 cents. Like oh yeah, I’m just going to go over there and buy a Ferrari with this.

When churchgoers bombard you with pamphlets about your salvation and you have to stand there and take them with a smile.

When people tell you to smile. Aaaaaarrg.

When you’re trying to close down and people keep coming to your line.

Lines in general.

Lines that are so long that your wonder if it will ever end.

When people’s cards won’t slide because they look like they’ve seen death and come back from it.

When people split the total and expect you to know what 145.67 divided by 3 is. Yeahhhh right.

When people put ONE thing in those big brown bags. Those things can hold a BUNCH!

People who have their own bags and stand there and watch you struggle.

People who don’t wash their reusable bags regularly. Blagh!

When people refuse to set their clothes on your belt because they’ll get dirty. Please, your shirt costs 5$ not 50$!

When the hanger won’t come out of things and it takes you awhile.

When men buy XXXL magnum condoms and smirk at you.

When kids spend 20 on gum and video games. Please, I want your life.

When kids are ruder to you than adults. Whaaa?

When you ring up your best friend and she makes you count her change back penny by penny.

When you drop change everywhere.

When you’re just trying to clean your belt between customers and people still come to you.

When you first open up and say “I can get someone over here” and no one moves.

When customers have bad BO and you have to keep a straight face.

When people buy a weird combination of items like 3 packs of lube, cucumbers, and the book Fifty Shades of Grey.

….just some insight into the cashier life!