One
month later you texted me and asked how I was. The messaged popped up and I stopped
breathing. That’s just how I’ve reacted to your messages for the past couple
times. But that last time we talked, that last time when I told you I didn’t
want your friendship and you stopped, I really thought it was over. I haven’t
heard from you in a few weeks. Since then, life has been easier. I don’t think
about you as often as I did back then. I don’t wake up and immediately want to
cry because you weren’t there to love. Since then, I have stopped thinking
about you.
But you
obviously haven’t stopped thinking about me. I laugh and laugh and laugh some
more. I laugh until I’m almost crying.
Then I
focus on breathing. In and out. In and out. It would be SO fucking easy to just
message you back and pretend like nothing happened. Like you didn’t tear my
world apart. Like you didn’t break my heart into a million pieces. Like you
didn’t leave me halfway on the bridge we were both on going towards love. Like
you didn’t turn around and say “goodbye” and there I was, standing alone in the
rain, alone- like always. It would be SO easy.
It
would also mean I’d get to maybe hear your voice. Of course I think about you.
Of course you pop up in my mind. But I can’t let it happen again. I won’t. I
can’t allow you to weasel yourself back into my life. When it was over, I made
a decision that it was over for good. A month later and I still feel the same.
I don’t want you in my life. You don’t deserve to be in my life.
And I
don’t owe you an explanation for why. It’s what I want. It’s what I decided and
you won’t respect it.
So I’ll
be on my way. And you should, too. Find yourself a good woman who wants to cook
and clean and do everything for you like you want. Find yourself a woman who puts
you ahead of herself, because that’s what you want. Find yourself a woman who
will lose herself and her values for you, because that’s what you want. Find
yourself a woman who sets aside her own dreams and aspirations for you, because
that’s what you want. Find yourself that person.
And I’ll
find myself a man who is strong enough to love me like you couldn’t.
You
selfish, self-centered, son of a bitch. Leave me alone because I won’t stroke
your ego like you want me to. You intolerable, mysogonist, dickwad. Go on somewhere
and forget me. Try your best.
I’ve
found drowning yourself in work helps a lot. Don’t lick your wounds for too
long. Just get up and go. Even when your world is grey and dark and rainy. Even
when it seems the pain will never end and it feels like I took all your happiness.
Even when it feels like no one else will ever fill that void.
Please.
Stop messaging me. I can’t do this. Please.
